Hard (an exploration of sport and masculinity, from the perspective of a recently-retired loose forward) (2/2) By Perry Farrell

(1/2) (2/2)

Being allowed to clatter someone all afternoon without getting banged up for the night was the highlight of their week. And you had to deal in the same currency; if you didn't, you just looked like a ponce and your stock as a player - as a man - was shot. There were some major contradictions, though. Show even the remotest sign of emotion about real issues and you'd have the piss taken for weeks, but it was OK to cry if you lost a big game. It was as if sensitivity had got in by stealth, under the guise of noble, manly pathos. It was never talked about after the event, though. It was like it never happened.

And we were obsessed about it all. The stuff I could have seen and done when I was younger. The places I could have been to. But training came first during the week. Three or four nights of it, one way or another - fitness, skills or weights. And the weekend had a sacred order to it: Saturday morning preparing for the match in the afternoon; Saturday night getting pissed; Sunday recovering. Then repeat again. Even the summer off was cut short by pre-season training. It was relentless, even as an amateur.

It's taken me till now to have regrets about it; not just the time I could have spent doing other things, but the way we carried on. The violence and the aggression. All the macho bullshit. The deliberate pain I inflicted on others, even if it was dog-eat-dog. If the ref didn't have a clear view of things you'd often smack an opponent in the tackle to put him off his game or goad him into a response that would get you a penalty; sometimes it backfired though. A few times I'd belt someone and get absolutely no response whatsoever. Just a quick look; maybe a wink.

That was always a bit scary - you kept your eyes open for the rest of the game then, looking out for the silent retribution that was sure to come next time the ref wasn't looking. It all makes sense to me now, of course. It's a primeval throwback. Human society has evolved more quickly than the biology of the human brain, and we've still got the remnants that make us behave like cavemen. We don't actually need to be physically threatening as a species any more. We don't need to hunt. We don't need to gather. And as for attracting a mate, well - I thought emotional intelligence and a good sense of humour were what counted these days.

But we just can't stop ourselves. We still feel the need to prove our manhood. To define ourselves by it. Particularly those who feel they've got little else in life. And sport - especially violent, combative sport - is the outlet for a lot of blokes. Non-sporty people say it's unnecessary today, but they don't understand the psycho-biology of it. Psycho. Good word. Problem is, how do I define myself now I've taken that evolutionary step forward? Maybe I could manage another season. Alright, I'm not young any more, but I'm not that old. Maybe I could......

Naahh - it's the right thing to do. Enough. Too much time spent on crutches and in casualty departments. Too many operations. Injuries taking longer and longer to get over. Nature's way of telling you it's time to stop. In the last couple of years I've read about two young men who walked out of their front doors to play rugby one day, and came back home in wheelchairs, months later. I couldn't do that to my girls. Game over. Being a rugby player was tough. But not being one is tougher sometimes. I'm just a dad at the weekend these days.

And yeah - it's easy to lose yourself in love with your kids. There's no call for violence any more. You become soft. You have to. Sometimes though, not being hard any more is.... really .......hard.

Comments System Prototype Version 1.0 by Mo

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