(I Ain't No) Corporate Cocksucker By Nicholas Boldock

Someone chained me to a desk and handed me a phone They gave me a pile of invoices and left me on me own Me arse looked like me elbow cos I didn't have a clue By the time it got to five o'clock the air was fucking blue It took me just a week to bring the company to its knees But I somehow got away with it cos nobody knew it was me

I even escaped with a short face-to-face when I fondled the secretary's bum Had a big row with an arrogant cow who was under the manager's thumb I emailed me mates at least half of the day cos I couldn't be bothered to work With the Internet on I could stock up on porn and then nip in the lavs for a jerk I was never a model employee at all but I knew how to get through the day Slag everyone off when they're not in the room and start rumours that workmates are gay To work eight til four and then run out the door as a lifestyle is frankly absurd So I nicked all the pens, smoked spliffs in the men's, and slept with the manager's bird Of course it's a fact, in the end I got sacked, all I did was burn the place down I'd just had enough of taking orders and stuff and being treated like some kind of clown Got away with it though as the jury said no when the company took me to court Now I'm out on the dole, I'm a drunken arsehole but at least I don't work there no more Everyday I stay home, watch telly, get stoned, but at least I'm not down in the gutter My reputation's been earned, and a lesson's been learned, and it's don't employee me, I'm a nutter. © Nicholas Boldock, 2005

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