Ham By Mark Walmsley

Anticipation in the air Not a seat to be had Not an empty chair Ice cream and popcorn being eaten by all The lights go down, in the Victorian hall The curtains pull out and the stage is set The audience shuffle, as comfy they get Act 1 sees a cad throw a girl to the floor In comes our hero, he bursts through the door 'Alas and alac, what goes on here?' Our hero he shouts, the crowd give a cheer Without further ado he picks up said girl Grabs our villain and begins to whirl Around and around our hero he fights But manages to trip over the stage footlights Without control his guard he drops As he tries to grab hold of the nearest stage props The audience are stunned they laugh and they cry As our hero still dizzy, goes whizzing by At last he is steady and decides to sit But doesn't see the orchestra pit Over he tumbles and down he goes All arms and legs Followed by his toes A soft landing he has on something he bent The strange lump under him is an instrument Our villain and girl help him out quite quick He is shocked and dazed, and feels quite sick Musicians are scattered with faces quite red A boy from the crowd shouts 'What's that on his head?' The crowd by now are in fits of tears A tuba player is stuck up to his ears They push and they pull but to no avail The big brass lump will not give way Without further ado the cast scramble back As the poor tuba player has a heart attack Our hero now tries to complete his part And attacks the villain who jumps back with a start He shoves away our hero and is quite mean Then stumbles and trips into the back drop scene Over it falls upon the poor man Our villain dashes in to do what he can Once again all battered and bruised Jumps out of the wreckage, he is not amused The audience points, and shouts a bequest 'Watch out for the sandbag,' that swings into his chest Around and about, the stage set comes down Our hero carries on, saying his lines with a frown 'Away vile heathen,' our man gives a shout Our villain lays still, he's been knocked out The theatre is full of howling and glee A night of such humour we will never see Down comes the curtain to end this poor sham From hero to zero our Theatre Ham

Copyright © Mark Walmsley 2011

thisisUll.com Featured Writer Mark Walmsley
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