Intolerance (1/3) By Lee Cassanell

(1/3), (2/3), (3/3).

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark according to a twisted branch of the Muslim tree, and whereas the rest of the sane world is astounded and disgusted by the ludicrous invention that is Microwavable Bacon, the Muslims have a bee in their burkas about a few pictures of the Prophet Mohammed that were innocently printed in a Danish newspaper. So incensed are these religious mentalists they've decided to burn a couple of Embassies and hoist up placards with slogans such as Massacre all those who insult Islam, which is not only a tad harsh but also major fuel for the fire of the BNP brigades who creep in the piss soaked corners of English society.

Once again religion is turning otherwise reasonable people into raving lunatics, and because Islam is very much entwined with politics in the Arab world, the potential for a Holy War with the West has never been greater in my opinion. Some people say we don't need to worry so much, due to the fact that if push came to shove we have enough nuclear weapons to send them all back with serious1st degree burns, but nobody of sound mind and body is going to push the button unless the extremists start culling Christians on the White House lawn.

So I think our only choice is to settle this argument in a calm, civilised old fashioned way and here is a list of possible Armageddon alternatives:

1. Duelling

Civilized combat for the more discerning gentleman or two pistoleers trying to pop a cap in each others asses depending on your social status. The Christians and Muslims pit their best marksman against each other and the one who doesn't get blown away walks home with Israel. As this is a religious war I'm sure Allah and God could pull a few strings and resurrect the dead, so shooting for Islam would be the mighty prophet Mohammed vs the scallion of Sherwood Forest, Robin The Scud Hood. Result: Bullets are faster than arrows.

2. Chess.

A game of Kings usually played by closet Queens, a war of intelligence fought on a complex mental battlefield that embraces the past and future simultaneously and causes grown men to weep like retarded children who have banged their head against the wall one too many times. Result A draw. They all got bored of watching chess on TV so they went to pub, had a drink and talked it over like adults.

Of course technically that could never occur because Muslims can't drink, which is fine and valid but England being a nation of consummate boozers we can't really trust a race unless they've drank too much whisky and vomited their own spleens. Say what you want about the benefits of sobriety, but we've got Wayne Rooney and if his mug's anything to go by his parents must have been shit faced when they slept with each other. Anyway, I digress.

Continued... Next page (2/3).

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