The King Is Dead...Again By Joe Hakim

Well, I've just read Steve Regan's latest column, and I'm glad to see that the old cigar-chomping fuckwit hasn't let me down. I can still remember seeing his mug leering out from the top of his shitty sub-Gary Bushell column in the Hull Daily Mail, and by the look of it he hasn't managed to land his dream job as a Sun hack, but then again, even people who write for the tabloids need some degree of talent.

Comparing soldiers abusing Iraqi civilians to fights that take place in Hull city centre on a Saturday night is like eating shit and calling it caviar. Besides, a scrap around town is hardly the innocent little skirmish that I believe he was attempting to imply with that stupid fuckin' comparison. I can tell that Regan is a middle-class suburb-dwelling idiot who is completely out of touch with what really goes on in Hull, so I'm offering to take him for a drink in the town centre and arrange to have his head kicked in by a bunch of chavs, just so he can experience first-hand what a fight is really like.

And then he goes on a little 'our lads and lasses are doing a brilliant job' rant, complete with that fantastic bit about human rights lawyers 'trying to undermine the morale of our British heroes'. Heroes, Steve? They're not my fuckin' heroes. And what is their job exactly? I thought they were there to remove a corrupt government and oversee its replacement with a democratically elected one, not kick the shit out of local kids who object to having their country illegally invaded by bunch of ill-trained wankers with itchy trigger fingers.

I get the impression that Regan doesn't actually believe what he's writing as such, but rather wants to create a bit of a stir so he can feel superior again and relive a bit of his heyday at the Mail, when he stunned us all with his insightful interviews with former Coronation Street stars and other Z-list 'celebrities'. I know he's having some kind of mid-life crisis, but I suggest he tries some Viagra, which I'm informed will cure most cases of erectile dysfunction. And as for his 'hilarious' bit about switching his affections to men, I can't see Hull's gay community opening its arms to an ugly right-wing cretin with a sweaty gusset.

The king is dead. Somebody burn the corpse before it stinks the whole place out.

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