Notes Toward a Chavology By Christopher Skolik

The local Hull 'chav' lad needs profiling and placing in his rightful context. Fiercely proud of his 'thickness'- intelligence is not to be trusted, it might unleash all kinds of awful weirdness upon his world, a world he clings to with the whitened knuckles of the drowning man, the perennial cry of 'Don't get clever with me' echoes across council estates of the north ... Quite unable to differentiate the contents of his head with the environment, his 'feelings' are liable to spill out like so much offal across the 3 rancid council estate streets that border his world.

If the criminality exhibited often seems pointless that is because it is. A criminality marked by small gains, sloppy planning and execution. But the aim is psychological, not financial, and getting caught is not something a 'chav' will care much about. Prison is like a sub human public school-instead of Billy Bunter and Tom Brown we now have a whole slew of Kev's and Daz's. Maybe the 'chav' comes out 'prison bent'- a word on this, as these characters lack anything but the most basic opportunistic animal drives the very notion of hetero or homo is spurious. His stature much improved at some Orchard Park bus shelter.

The outcome for such low grade human product is startlingly bleak-canon fodder that has gone soft. What can be done?

Taking a cue from my illustrious predecessor J. Swift, I once suggested that the best outcome would be to turn the prisons into factory farms, and we could cull the free range from their shopping malls and bus shelters-but realistic consideration buggers such a plan, who would want such grade Z meat? Your average petty criminal lout subsists on such a diet of crap, cigs, booze and drugs that even the most deprived pig would gag at the very site of it. No, something more radical is needed ...

Opinions - Maureen Lipman at Pave By Sean
	Just saw Maureen Lipman at a reading at the Pave. It took two attempts to gain entrance. At the first attempt i was turned away on the grounds that it was a private function - apparently i didn't look 'Avenues' enough. I'm Avenues enough to have my taxes pay for it, mind. I just got in in time to catch a couple of 'anecdotes' which mocked the poverty of working Read more...

Opinions - All At Sea Or Way Out West? (Orwellian Nightmare Or Whitehall Farce?) By D R Callaghan
	Admiral Sir Alan West wants us to 'snitch' on our neighbours, friends and even on our own family. Who's he? I hear you ask. He's none other than the Government's new 'Security Minister'. Isn't it comforting to know that we now have a 'Security Minister' (Big Brother?) looking after our 'way of life'? The former First Sea Lord also warned that Britain faces a 15-year battle Read more...

Opinions - Candle In The Wind By Jim Higo
	Who'd want to be a Bosnian landmine victim? Terrible injuries, lost limbs, scarred for life and then to cap it all, when you thought it couldn't get any worse, you get a visit from Princess Diana. Just when it seemed your life had reached its absolute nadir, you see her coming at you with those big eyes, like a spaced out Desert Orchid. Read more...

Opinions - Depart For New Earth By David Sloan
	Depart for new earth AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Professor Stephen Hawking said recently that for the human race to survive we must gain a foothold on another planet, and as if by divine intervention our astronomers soon found another earth-like planet in the heavens. It has a mass five times that of earth and is probably made of the same sort of rock with Read more...

Opinions - Trees Are Bastards By Sally Satan
	Now amidst all the current chatter of climate change inevitably being a Bad Thing, the still small voice of calm must be heard. How many people do you know who have died recently as a direct result of climate change? Exactly. None. And yet we go on, beating ourselves up for being human and not animal or mineral, and for ruining the planet. But we should Read more...

Opinions - The Reception of Wisdom By Kenton Hall
	There is a story that I tell. I likely tell it far too often and one of these days, a friend or family member is going to sneak up behind me and garrotte me with a length of fishing line. No, it's not the one about that. Or that one, either. Now that I think about it, there are many stories that I tell too often. However, the story I am referring to today recalls the moment Read more...

Opinions - Divided We Fall By Lee Cassanell

	"The oppressed are allowed once every few years to decide which particular representatives of the oppressing class are to represent and repress them" Karl Marx So Tony Blair's pledge to end poverty has taken a kick in the teeth after the news that 300,000 (or 200,000 or 100,000 depending on which paper or website you read) more children have slipped below the line. Read more...

Opinions - Real Men Do Not Need Real Doll.com By Jo Allison
	At age 12, little girls and boys should put Barbie and Ken back to sleep safely in their plastic boxes, as adults move on from pretend friends, to actual ones. But for a select group of scary cyborg-lovers who prefer plastic to flesh, life size Real Dolls made from 100% silicone are the next step up from Barbie dolls. They make the perfect playmates, so I'm told. But who exactly Read more...

Opinions - Goody, Goody, Yum, Yum - Racism and Jade Goody By Lee Cassanell
	We all decry prejudice, yet are all prejudiced; Herbert Spencer The problem with racism is there is currently no well known or vicious enough word that another race can use to discriminate against white people. In fact during an extensive search of the internet the only even mildly offensive term I could find was "Honky" and if you are white and offended Read more...

Opinions - In Response To Fiona Carr's Hands On Our Arts By Esther Windsor
	I am writing in response to Fiona Carr's recent article Hands On Our Arts in the Opinions section of thisisull.com : /opinions/1605225053_fionacarr.html to say that Hull Time Based Arts is alive and well. In the article discussing funding of art and cultural services in Hull she says 'We have seen the collapse of Hull Art Lab, we saw Hull Time Based Arts Read more...

Opinions - In Response to The Mental Alchemist's Save Our Free School Meals
	Original article: 1006006399_saveschoolmeals.html Mental Alchemist shows an unerring ability to turn gold into lead with the mixture of inaccuracy, sloppy thinking, and basic political illiteracy. To start at the most basic there is not a Liberal Party Cabinet on Hull City Council. Indeed, despite all the treachery and re-branding exercises, there is not even a Liberal on the Council. Read more...

Opinions - Hands On Our Arts By Fiona Carr
	ThisisUll has good arts coverage and a clear interest in the vibrancy of the cultural scene, even if it seems a bit indie/ethnic leaning. It may well be that nobody is interested in the Art galleries and museums, or the City Hall/New Theatre though there was a time events were featured on these pages around 2004. However it is astonishing not one Read more...

Opinions - In support of Jack 'Last' Straw By Pablo Luis Gonzàlez
	I watched in disbelief as people walked around dressed in a most shameful and obscene diversity of clothes: A young woman in faded blue jeans, brown boots and low cut yellow top. A man in a dark blue suit and tie. A woman wearing the niqab. A young woman in dark blue jeans, green jacket and sporting a disdainful smile. A man in a dark suit and red tie. Read more...

Opinions - Response to Michelle Dee's Gigging in Hull By Darren Bunting Music HQ

	I enjoyed your article on thisisull about the local bands / promoters / scene at the moment and as a musician and promoter I agreed with 99% of what you said. The only thing I would argue/add would be that there are some promoters and venues who do try and make the effort for the artists (my gigs being one I hope LOL) where acts get Read more...

Opinions - Response to Michelle Dee's Gigging in Hull By Dj Mak

	In response to my good friend Michelle Dee's Gigging In Hull piece on ThisisUll.com I thought it be right for me to explain the stance and ethos of The Sesh at The Linnet & Lark on Princes Ave. The night was started nearly four years ago - 4th Birthday Celebrations in October -and was set up by myself with the help of Martin Knight of The Favours Read more...

Opinions - Gigging in Hull By Michelle Dee

	First up, I think that bands should limit themselves as to how many local gigs they play. Who is going to pay pounds to see a band at Adelphi or Piper when you can see them at the Sesh for free? Some of the bands are limiting themselves to only playing two or three local gigs a month which makes sense. Don't forget the old adage; absence Read more...

Opinions - Response To Michelle Dee's Review Of Phonic Voices At Urban Artz Festival By Paul Rush
	I just read your review of Phonic Voices at the Urban Arts Festival: 'Today it came in the form of Nicky a didgeridoo player from Phonic Voices music collective, with a uniquely special sound. It was a moment not to dissimilar to the one in the town of Hamlyn when a certain piper enticed all the rodents away, from the town. Nicky began to play her instrument Read more...

Opinions - Things Can Only Get Bitter By David Sloan
	I'm sick to death of listening to people moaning about New Labour. They've only recently been voted in for a third term in office with a large credible majority. So just what do people want? Yes, things have got better under New Labour. If you're a burglar, mugger, paedophile, illegal immigrant, rapist or terrorist, things have definitely got better. Under New Labour, Read more...

Opinions - It's Only A Game By Dave F
	Question - What do you call an Englishman in a World Cup Final??? Answer - Referee. Like most people in the country, I'm asking myself why... Why didn't we get through to the final? Why didn't Sven take better strikers? Why??? Actually, I'm asking myself why the England team turn to jelly at the mention of the word Penalty, and why we have to listen to excuses like Read more...

Opinions - Save Our Free School Meals By The Mental Alchemist
	Q. What do you get if you cross neo-liberal economic policy with a liberal party city council? A. No bloody change and the end of free school meals in Hull. I sat in stunned belief whilst watching Look North today, as it was announced that Hull City Council have put a price on the health and wellbeing of all our children, and it's less than £4 million. It actually cost the council a Read more...

Opinions - Response To The Grim Reaper's Article By Chris Wolds
	Hello thisisull team, I have just finished reading the piece written by the Grim Reaper titled Response To Arts Council Article. I read with interest what was there, just as I did the original article and the follow-ups. It puzzles me that these other comments have been published and those persons responsible for them have had their opinions aired. I have always seen this site as Read more...