FISH KILLER WELL AND TRULY CAUGHT

The net has finally closed in on the mysterious Hull fish killer. Police arrested and charged a local man this morning after an anonymous tip-off. Police can reveal that the man is Phil Itter, an ex gynaecologist with serious psychiatric problems and a sexual obsession with fish of all kinds. Mr Itter worked in one of the local hospitals for three years - until his unhealthy preoccupation began to take over his life, and he was sacked.

An ex colleague of his described his descent into obsession. He became increasingly withdrawn, and would often disappear for hours on end in the staff room with a copy of Angler's Weekly. What we thought was a hobby became something much more serious.

A psychiatrist's report stated that he was suffering from Munchausen's Fish Syndrome by Proxy - an extremely rare mental disorder with only a few previously recorded cases. Interestingly, these were also people from Hull.

His psychiatrist described the condition in a statement to police : Mr Itter was suffering not only from the aforementioned syndrome, but also from deep feelings of inadequacy. He was unhappy in his job as a gynaecologist. It wasn't enough to satisfy his fishy fetish. He lacked confidence and felt he could never live up to his dead father, who was a champion fish filleter. He had an erotic fixation with fish to the point of violence. The only way he could vent his frustration on feeling so inadequate was by mutilating fish and indecently exposing them to the public.

Police raided Mr Itter's flat after the tip off and found indecent images of fish on his computer. Also, amongst his magazine collection were imported fish porn titles such as Hooker! and North Atlantic Babes. His video collection was also confiscated. Amongst innocent titles such as Flipper and Octopussy they found hardcore imports Hot Hard Haddock and Come In My Plaice.

Police interviewed his one time girlfriend Tracy Finn, a fish factory worker from Hessle Road. Asked whether she noticed anything suspicious about him, she said : Oh yeah ! He was a right perv ! For a start he kept asking me not to wash when I came home from work, which was really gross ! And then he asked me to dress up as a cod in bed ! I thought, what is this guy on? I said to him, are you saying I've got a big gob, 'cos if you are I'll get our Darren to fill you in.. I never saw him again after that. Didn't like him much anyway, he was a right twat. My new blokes miles better, he's called Carl, he's got a real nice tattoo on his arse and he works in the morgue.

The police have closed the case, as the evidence for conviction was overwhelming. Even fingerprinting was unnecessary - the fishy smell emanating from his fingertips was enough to confirm his guilt. And Hull residents can now feel safe that their local fish will no longer suffer any more violent attacks by this crazed individual. April fool..??

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