The Sims By Darren Sant

For anyone over 40 or those living on Venus there is a computer game phenomenon known as the Sims. In these games, which attempt to simulate real life, you have almost god like control over every aspect of the characters lives. You can design personalities, guide relationships, send them on career paths, build the perfect home for them or generally use and abuse them in any socially acceptable way. It seems that every week they are bringing out a new Sims computer game. However, imagine if this wasn't a perfect digital world. What if it was more like the real world? Perhaps we would see new Sims games with titles such as:

Sims Sams Run your own virtual branch of the Samaritans. Explore feeling of suicide with Sims that just can't cope with virtual life any longer. Be prepared to deal with strong virtual issues such as self-harm, abuse and mental instability. You have to be there for them as they end their virtual lives.

Sims AA Clinic The Sims very own AA clinic for those Sims that just can't keep off the pixelated sauce. You have to help them say NO to those pixels that represent the vino. You have to deal with a variety of drink related issues. Alternatively you can be a virtual wino. Roam the streets in a drunken state and avoid the realistic gangs of yobs, do-gooders, social workers, junkies and other drunks.

Sims Serial Killers Hunt down and lock up those Sims that like to kill other Sims in bizarre ways. Observe Hannibal Sim as he eats a liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti ththththththt. Alternatively you can be a serial killer. Take pleasure in stalking other Sims and doing anything your demented mind can conceive. You sick puppy.

Fascist Sim Goose step your way into the world of the Sims. Control your own country and crush opponents beneath your jack booted heel. Kill members of opposing political parties. Control the state with a rod of iron. Persecute whole sections of the population just for being who they are because you can. Wage war on smaller countries than your own.

Porn Star Sims You get to bonk your way to the top of the porn star career ladder. You choose what to shag be it male, female, animal or inanimate objects. You can choose your country of origin provided it lies within the Netherlands. You can choose from a range of cheesy music to accompany the game and a whole host of vocals to accompany your actions. Vocal choices include: "Yeah Baby", "I'm coming", "Don't Stop" and "I'm just here to mend the fridge" these are just a few examples of the many available. Buy this game from the top shelf of any disreputable computer game retailer. Brown bag and novelty cock ring included.

Terrorist Sims Learn how to make a bomb. Recruit members with similar extremist views. Plan where and how to plant a bomb and watch those innocents die. We cannot guarantee that after buying this game you won't get a visit from an over zealous government anti-terrorist squad. We accept no responsibility for damage they do to your home or years spent in prison. It serves you right you weird sicko. What do you want to buy a game like this for in the first place?

Cult Sim Choose from any of a number of extremist and/or weird views. Choose your own god or as cult leader you can be a god. Convince other mindless saps erm..followers to convert to your cause. Choose how you get to die. Will it be a suicide pact? Maybe something more off the wall either way people will regard you as a grade A nut job with a few marbles rolling around in your head.

Who knows what future titles of the Sims will be released? One thing is for sure the virtual world can be as bizarre and sick as the real world.

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