Top 10 Self-Help Books of All Time By A Nonny Mouse

Men are from Another Planet, so Send the Bastards Back by Germaine Greer. Tough polemic as usual from the high priestess of minge politics..in this essay, Ms Greer expounds her latest theory - that all men originated from the distant planet Penus, and should be sent packing with a one way ticket quicker than you can say slice my testicle. Ooh. That hurt. Women Who Shove Too Much by Robbin Buttons. A psychosocial analysis of female behaviour in the January sales.

Special Offer! For a limited period only, this book is available at HALF PRICE for only £2.99!! Come and get it if you're hard enough!!! Who Moved My Cheesy Kegs? By Martin Clunes. Assertiveness tips for men whose girlfriends have that annoying habit of tidying up, from the famous star of 'Men Behaving Badly.' Previous titles include 'Who Wiped my Chin Scum From the Bathroom Sink?' and 'Who Threw Out my Entire Collection of Star Wars Comics, circa 1979?'.

Taming The Inner Brat by Dr Fraulein Franklspankl This book marked the beginning of New Authoritarianism, the backlash against the current over-liberal childrearing culture. An essential handbook for adults damaged by years of wishy washy hippie parenting, and who still suffer from tantrums if they can't have their own way. Contains a special chapter on how to give yourself a good spanking and send yourself to bed without any supper. Love and That by the Economy Psychology Press

Very brief guide to relationships, for those who can't afford to buy The Hite Report. Special Offer! - Buy Love and That for £1.99 and get Sex and That FREE!! The Inner Loveliness of Children by Bea Honeytree From the late renowned author of The Joy of Wiping Snot and The Boy Who Stabbed Chickens. This is a tribute compilation of this famous author's work, who was tragically killed last year by a crazed 13 year old dressed as an orange and wielding an axe.

Chicken Soup for the Arse - Soul by M.Snott Pick Spiritual and medical advice rolled into one, for people who suffer not only from low self esteem and lack of direction, but also from the pain and embarrassment of haemorrhoids. Feel the Fear..Then Run Away Like a Big Girl's Blouse by Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen. From the author of Soft Furnish Your Way To Enlightenment comes this little gem of advice and comfort. When the going gets tough, you can't afford the mortgage and even your MDF shelves won't stay up, it's ok to go back home to mum..in fact beneficial. With special chapter on the joys of thumb sucking and weeing in the bath.

I'm OK, You're An Alien by David Icke. A guide to inter-terrestrial relationships from a man who's an expert in the field. If you're in love with an impotent Cyberman or an emotionally constipated Klingon, this book is the one for you. Women Who Love Self-Help Books Too Much by Bobbie Bosoms .. So, you've loved too much, felt the fear, and had more chicken soup for the soul than an entire Salvation Army hostel. And you're still pissed off. Here's the real answer .

The author recommends five easy steps to instant happiness - 1. Get pissed 2. Get stoned 3. Have a curry 4. Get a good seeing to and 5. -Throw away all those patronising, useless publications that give unqualified 'lifestyle guru' charlatans far too many royalties..

Humour - Unofficial Quotes - What they might have said.. By Darren Sant

	Well I did shout Duck! - J.F.K's Presidential Bodyguard. I thought it was mayonnaise - Monica Lewinski's Housekeeper. It's a hotbed of lies, intrigue and goat sex - Steve Interesting Davies on his upcoming biography. Read more...

Humour - The Sims By Darren Sant

	For anyone over 40 or those living on Venus there is a computer game phenomenon known as the Sims. In these games, which attempt to simulate real life, you have almost god like control over every aspect of the characters lives. You can design Read more...

Humour - Merchant Bankers By Darren Sant

	Where do I start? I was enjoying a lovely Saturday afternoon snooze, as you do, and the phone started ringing. Having worked in an office for years it is second nature for me to answer a ringing phone. I roused myself from sleep and tiredly picked up the phone. I was greeted by a chirpy chinless wonder who Read more...

Humour - Just an idea..! By Rich Mills

	Flash Funerals: The idea for 'flash funerals' is that I personally do not wish to have a great fuss made when I finally shuffle off this mortal coil. So the concept of Flash Funerals is that your friends, relatives, and anyone else whose mobile phone number or email address you have, is sent a message. This message would Read more...

Humour - Ghostly Moans By Darren Sant

	It isn't easy being a ghost. We are the only supernatural entity without a union. Anaemic vampires are well looked after in their retirement. Werewolves with mange get reduced vets bills. I mean for god's sake even Banshee's with laryngitis get given free strepsils. What do we have? Bloody ectoplasm. Have you any idea how hard it is to shift ectoplasm from Read more...

Humour - Horoscopes - We look into your stars..and give you the bad news By Darren Sant

	Aquarius 21 Jan - 19 Feb: This month mercury is entering Uranus. Seek immediate medical attention. Pisces 20 Feb - 20 Mar: Now might be a good time to write your last will and testament. Aries 21 Mar - 20 Apr: Mars is dominant in your sign this month. If you happen to spot Beagle please let NASA know. Read more...

Humour - News from 'Ull Part 2 - The Scandal of Hull's Illegal Scrap Dealers

It emerged today that several Hull individuals have been arrested for possessing illegal scrap, with intent to supply. But we're not talking scrap of the metal variety - it's the elusive but strangely irresistible bits of batter that collect in the bottom of the fryer in chip shops all over Hull. Yes - 'scraps'. Until recently, scraps were the staple diet of many poor people in Hull, being the cheapest item Read more...

Humour - News from 'Ull Part 1 - New Test for Asylum Seekers

	It emerged recently that the government is making new asylum seekers pass a Britishness test before being granted asylum. The immigration forces in Hull have come up with their own agenda - making them pass a test on 'ullness, to see if they have the potential to become fully fledged citizens of the planet 'ull. Applicants have to answer the following questions : Read more...

Humour - Good Diet Conclusion

Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 2. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heartattacks than the British or Americans. Read more...

Humour - Valentine Special...Odd Couples by Jane Foster

	As the old saying goes, opposites attract. Love can blossom between unlikely individuals. Love can cross boundaries of age, culture, distance..even extreme political ideologies. Let me show you our gallery of some of these couples.. people who have found true, everlasting love, despite cultural and political barriers, despite the prejudices and reactions of others. Read more...

Humour - Is it All Over for the Personal Ads? by Jane Foster

	At one time, joining a dating agency or putting a personal ad in the paper was seen as the mark of desperation. If anyone did do it, they seldom admitted it - unless they actually ended up meeting someone and staying with them. Then the details of how they met might leak out slowly.. But technology has changed the way people meet and interact, and one of the most common pastimes is.. Read more...