Ere, Stop Messin' Abaht ! (3/3) By Jenny Ross

(1/3), (2/3), (3/3),

But I was still determined to find the answer. I rang one of my friends and she came up with no real explanation, but then she said something that made me want to investigate... She told me about a group of local people called the Renegade Writers. They are a bunch of folk who sometimes do poetry performances and the like. Now, at one such performance, my friend had heard, the reader was interrupted by an urgent phone call, warning that a shark had escaped from The Deep. Despite this being a matter of emergency, the show went on as planned, and no more was ever heard about the matter.

How mysterious! The event had never been recorded, and therefore this little tale had passed into local mythology. The Case of the Deep Shark was never proven - it had remained a mystery...but could it be responsible for the amazing duck disappearance? Was this mythical shark still at large and in our local ponds?? I wanted to do some investigation of this local writers group. I asked my friend if she knew any more about them, but she warned against me getting involved.

Why ever not? I asked. 'Well', she said, 'Apparently they're a bunch of one-legged dwarf-fucking lesbians. Oh, and they eat children'.

Undeterred, I decided to throw caution to the wind. I needed to speak to these people - however weird - they could hold the key to the mystery that was now eating me up... After emailing the contact from their website and obtaining their contact number, I cautiously rang. To my surprise it was answered by a man. He sounded quite pleasant enough. He said he was busy organising a festival in his back garden at the moment, but would be quite happy to assist me in my search for answers to this strange happening.

He even invited me to his concert, and said I could bring my dog even though I haven't got a lead for him, only a piece of string. What a nice chap, I thought.

Maybe I thought too soon. For when we got chatting and our conversation somehow turned to recent events and the subject of war, he started to tell me all about the shenanigans he likes to get up to when such things as war are going on. Well it was most inappropriate. I quickly made my excuses and replaced the receiver. Personally when I hear of any military conflict I prefer to draw the curtains and settle down to a nice game of Tiddlywinks.

Well, after this I was exhausted, after such a long and puzzling day. But, with head till spinning, I went to bed. The next morning I was awoken by a familiar sound...could that be quacking?? A quick glance through the curtains proved that yes, it was - there were several ducks and drakes waddling casually around my front garden. Well I never. A quick stroll to the old P. Park and there they all were, as if nothing had happened...

A mystery indeed. Maybe the psychic Graham Lee of www.thisisull.com could solve it...maybe the Deep Shark will one day be found as a reality...who knows. Anyway, when I ventured outside to bring in my wheelie bin, I found that one of the quacking species had crapped right down my front window. Little fucker. Now where's my shotgun... That's all for now - and remember - KEEP IT MALLARD

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