Ere, Stop Messin' Abaht ! (2/3) By Jenny Ross

(1/3), (2/3), (3/3),

When we were little, my friends and I used to have snail races - sticking snails to the bottom of a fence and seeing which one would crawl the highest before falling off. My snail never seemed to win. A shame that this was before I could speak any French and hadn't yet discovered the joys of garlic butter. If I had combined these two then I bet the bastard would have moved quicker... I admit, I was vegetarian a few misguided times in my life. But all I remember from that time is a vague sense of smug satisfaction, excessive wind, and in the end, as many an ex veggie will tell you, an irrepressible need for bacon butties.

Now, as a guilt free carnivore with a typical irrational, ex veggie desire to eat anything that moves, I just wish the lentil jockeys would all piss off back to Vegetaria.

Anyway. Many thoughts were now racing across my mind as to the strange duck disappearance. Was there an ornophile prowling round the park, I wonder? Well, I won't say goodness me, f*** a duck but you know, there are people in this city who would... Well, maybe not. Maybe the culprit of this theft was one of the usual breed that indulges in criminal activity - the Chav. Now, without being Burberry-ist or whatever stupid term some middle class civil servant with nothing better to do has come up with, they do tend to be the main culprits of most ne'er-do-well activity.

And they hang around the park a lot too, the female ones offering a quick shag to anyone old enough to obtain White Stryke from the offie for them, and the male ones just y'know, hangin' out, squeezing crack zits at passers by and tucking their trackies ever more into their Nike socks.

I hear the local Green Party were canvassing Bransholme 'Cenner' the other day, well good luck to them but I can't see them getting any votes unless they're offering free sovereign rings or knocked-off trackie bottoms on prescription. Hmm. Maybe ducks are a better swap deal for a Westlife CD than a chav baby nowadays? Nah. I think not. I finally decided that chavs weren't responsible for stealing all the ducks.

Because let's face it, it's a complex project to carry off, and with these guys coming from a gene pool narrower than a designer vagina, they haven't got two brain cells to collectively rub together.

At this point a passer by must have seen me deep in thought and looking perplexed, as he was looking at me kinda funny...I decided to offer my thoughts : 'Hey', I said, 'Have you noticed there's no ducks round here today?' 'Er, ner', he said. 'I thert there was summat missin' round 'ere. Bet its them bloody Kosovans. They've come 'ere and nicked all the jobs, now they're takin' all the ducks!' Hmm. Highly unlikely. I recalled a conversation with such people that I had a few weeks back, in which they quite clearly expressed a liking not for duck, but for various other animals. Some of these are apparently very tasty - except camel, which is salty and tougher than a Hessle Road lesbian.

And that's saying something. So, with the night drawing in and the park becoming more unsafe, I headed off home.

Continued ...next page (3/3)

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