Ghostly Moans By Darren Sant

It isn't easy being a ghost. We are the only supernatural entity without a union. Anaemic vampires are well looked after in their retirement. Werewolves with mange get reduced vets bills. I mean for god's sake even Banshee's with laryngitis get given free strepsils.

What do we have? Bloody ectoplasm. Have you any idea how hard it is to shift ectoplasm from our clothes? You need more than a box of Daz I can tell you. I suppose you think we have a right laugh don't you? Well you just try carrying chains around for 1000 years and see how your back is. Is it any wonder that we make ghostly moans?

Contrary to popular belief we do not find it an easy feat wandering around scaring people by putting our heads under our arms. I have lost count of the times I have stubbed my toe. Have you ever found it difficult giving directions? Well you just try giving directions to a clumsy body that has just dropped you. Hollywood.. don't get me started on those bastards! No one takes us seriously any more. I mean Casper the friendly ghost; it's made us a laughing stock. Ghostbusters, ha, do you know how hard it is to extract yourself from a vacuum cleaner once some "have a go housewife" has sucked you up.

Hollywood just gives people the wrong idea. When I moan and clank my chains I want you RUN! Not walk through me laughing. I don't want your filthy mortal bacteria clinging to me. I tell you it's a dog's life being a ghost, especially if you are a ghostly dog.

When do I get a break? I've tried going down the pub but the beer just goes straight through me, as does a good vindaloo..mind you it did that when I was alive. I have tried other leisure pursuits, bungee jumping for instance. Well you can imagine the result of that. The only indignity we don't suffer is our own reality TV show but I guess that's just a matter of time. Take my advice don't come back as a ghost, its rubbish.

Humour - Horoscopes - We look into your stars..and give you the bad news By Darren Sant

	Aquarius 21 Jan - 19 Feb: This month mercury is entering Uranus. Seek immediate medical attention. Pisces 20 Feb - 20 Mar: Now might be a good time to write your last will and testament. Aries 21 Mar - 20 Apr: Mars is dominant in your sign this month. If you happen to spot Beagle please let NASA know. Read more...

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It emerged today that several Hull individuals have been arrested for possessing illegal scrap, with intent to supply. But we're not talking scrap of the metal variety - it's the elusive but strangely irresistible bits of batter that collect in the bottom of the fryer in chip shops all over Hull. Yes - 'scraps'. Until recently, scraps were the staple diet of many poor people in Hull, being the cheapest item Read more...

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	It emerged recently that the government is making new asylum seekers pass a Britishness test before being granted asylum. The immigration forces in Hull have come up with their own agenda - making them pass a test on 'ullness, to see if they have the potential to become fully fledged citizens of the planet 'ull. Applicants have to answer the following questions : Read more...

Humour - Good Diet Conclusion

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	As the old saying goes, opposites attract. Love can blossom between unlikely individuals. Love can cross boundaries of age, culture, distance..even extreme political ideologies. Let me show you our gallery of some of these couples.. people who have found true, everlasting love, despite cultural and political barriers, despite the prejudices and reactions of others. Read more...

Humour - Is it All Over for the Personal Ads? by Jane Foster

	At one time, joining a dating agency or putting a personal ad in the paper was seen as the mark of desperation. If anyone did do it, they seldom admitted it - unless they actually ended up meeting someone and staying with them. Then the details of how they met might leak out slowly.. But technology has changed the way people meet and interact, and one of the most common pastimes is.. Read more...

Humour - When You Think About IT ...

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Reviews, Films - The Renegade Writers Recommend...Festive Film Releases by Jane Foster.
	When Addy met Saddy ( U ) This is a tale of two moustaches. A tale of two hardcore dictators, united in mutual follicular admiration. Adolf is a young dictator with a genetic disorder, which means that his moustache extends no further than his Cupid's bow. His secret wish is to own a large, bushy moustache. Read more...

Food Reviews - Chinese Delight! by Petra
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Reviews, Theatre - ConPromise by Mal Williamson, Directed by Mathew Smith EICH Gallery, Hull
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Reviews, Films - The Renegade Writers Recommend...Festive Film Releases by Jane Foster.
	When Addy met Saddy ( U ) This is a tale of two moustaches. A tale of two hardcore dictators, united in mutual follicular admiration. Adolf is a young dictator with a genetic disorder, which means that his moustache extends no further than his Cupid's bow. His secret wish is to own a large, bushy moustache. Read more...

Review of 2003 - By Nick Quantrill
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