The English Language By Merle R. Stone

As of late, I have been indulging myself on the internet, perusing web sites originating in the United Kingdom. Some rather interesting things have occurred to me in my searching through these web sites. First and foremost, we speak two totally different languages. I am American, and I have a very good grasp on the language that we speak over here. Upon reading various blogs and forums, and browsing through hundreds of web pages, I have determined that I need an English-to-American dictionary. Now, don't get me wrong. I will state my case right now, for all to see. Americans have taken an absolutely brilliant language and turned it into something strictly functional.

Here are just a few examples. My wife and I donate funds to a 'battered women's shelter.' In American, this means that we donate to a shelter for women who are victims of physical abuse. My understanding of the term 'battered' in English is 'very drunk or very high on drugs.' There may well be shelters for such women in England, I don't know, but the meaning is so very different. Another little difference was actually pointed out to me on the golf course one day. I have a friend named Dominic, from Manchester, England. We went to a golf course for a quick nine holes, and he asked me which set of clubs I had brought along (I own several sets of clubs). I informed him that I was going to beat him with my Bristols that day.

With a wry smile on his face he said 'and after that you might try using golf clubs.' I was utterly in the dark until he told me that bristols was slang for breasts. Silly me. Were I a woman, that would have been quite embarrassing.

The third situation is of a most adult nature, of which I won't get into much detail. Let it suffice to say that it involved a charming young lady from Hull, in the middle years of the 1980s and that several terms were used to describe things that I thought I was already quite familiar with. Between her saying things, and my asking what she meant, very little romancing got done. To make matters much worse, her boyfriend pulled into the drive and I was forced to gather my clothing and make a hasty exit out a rear window. Talk about your basic brown trouser moment! I am sure that somewhere in the Hull area, to this very day, there is a lovely 40 year old woman who holds that memory very dear in her heart.

Something else I have noticed is that English words have more letters in them than American words do. For instance, the word humour. Over here, we spell it humor, without the second 'u'. Also, the English have letters in words that are just not pronounced. I offer you Hull. Properly pronounced 'Ull if I am not mistaken. Humber is actually 'Umber is it not? I absobloodylutely love the way this language is supposed to be spoken. So colourful and full of character.

Speaking of which, let's touch on something else that I have noticed. There are more ways to allude to drunkenness, bodily functions, sexual intercourse, body parts, and the intelligence or body stature of a person in the English language than in any other language I have ever studied. Simply brilliant! I can be as mean as I possibly dare to be when speaking English to a person, and they are just left there staring at me with a stupid look on their face. If I said it in American, I would have my face slapped or my head bashed in before I got half of it out.

Yes, I love the English language. And I love to hear it spoken correctly, by an English person. Especially by English persons of the female persuasion, but that is just my own little hang-up. Call me daft, but I think it should be taught in the schools here. Then maybe, twenty years ago, in that young lady's flat, we might have gotten more accomplished before the arrival of her boyfriend. You just never know.

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