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Humour, Celebrity Letters |
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Last Updated: 28/03/2008 13:24:04
Dear Gary Lineker
By Leigh Clark
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Is it true that you once lost six stone during one game of football? My mum says it is but I don't believe her. If she is right then I have to make her a fried breakfast every morning for the rest of my life. If she is lying then I can tell her to stick her bloody stupid breakfast up her fat arse. Love from Leigh
The face of Walkers sent this back along with a photograph which made me feel so hungry I just had to purchase a bag of crisps. I prefer Seabrook crisps - a lovely crinkle cut GM-free, MSG-free and suitable for vegetarians crisp! I bet you fancy a bag of Seabrook now don't you - See, I'm better at selling crisps than Lineker.
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Dear Leigh
Not six stone, but certainly six pounds. It is easily done in the heat. So it looks as though your Mum will have to forego her daily fried breakfast - but perhaps you could make her one, occasionally, as a treat?
Yours Sincerely,
Gary Lineker
He seems like a nice man doesn't he? I still prefer Seabrook's.
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Humour - The English Language By Merle R. Stone
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As of late, I have been indulging myself on the internet, perusing web sites originating in the United Kingdom. Some rather interesting things have occurred to me in my searching through these web sites. First and foremost, we speak two totally different languages. I am American, and I have a very good grasp on the language that we speak over here.
Upon reading various blogs and forums,
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Humour - Response Article To Darren Sant (Ghosties) By Lucy Brown
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Dear Mr Sant, First of all may I say that being a ghost really is a dead loss, and I should know 'cos I've been one since I died, so I do know where you're coming from, and can only stress that we have the perfect right to 'moan and groan' about our shoddy treatment by society.
Like you said in your article, carrying those heavy chains doesn't do much for your back,
and not to mention
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Humour - Ere, Stop Messin' Abaht ! By Jenny Ross
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It's been a funny old week. Take yesterday, for example.
I'd spent the entire afternoon trying to persuade some local scallies to star in my
latest film venture Carry on Chavin', set in the exotic locations of
Orchard Park, Bransholme, Britannia House and the Pound Shop.
My enticements fell on deaf ears until I waved a wad of tenners about, enough to
keep the crew in White Lightning
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Humour - Just an idea...! By Rich Mills
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Blue Children... Or should I say, children of any colour you want.
How about red, white and blue children? Rainbow coloured children?
Burberry children?
They are already talking about being able to choose the sex of your child, I
want to choose its colour.
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Humour - Top 10 Self-Help Books of All Time By A Nonny Mouse
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Men are from Another Planet, so Send the Bastards Back by Germaine Greer.
Tough polemic as usual from the high priestess of minge politics..in this essay, Ms Greer
expounds her latest theory - that all men originated from the distant planet Penus,
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Humour - Unofficial Quotes - What they might have said.. By Darren Sant
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Well I did shout Duck! - J.F.K's Presidential Bodyguard.
I thought it was mayonnaise - Monica Lewinski's Housekeeper.
It's a hotbed of lies, intrigue and goat sex -
Steve Interesting Davies on his upcoming biography.
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Humour - The Sims By Darren Sant
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For anyone over 40 or those living on Venus there is a computer game phenomenon known as the Sims. In these games, which attempt to simulate real life, you have almost god like control over every aspect of the characters lives. You can design
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Humour - Merchant Bankers By Darren Sant
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Where do I start? I was enjoying a lovely Saturday afternoon snooze, as you do, and the phone started ringing. Having worked in an office for years it is second nature for me to answer a ringing phone. I roused myself from sleep and tiredly picked up the phone.
I was greeted by a chirpy chinless wonder who
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Humour - Just an idea..! By Rich Mills
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Flash Funerals: The idea for 'flash funerals' is that I personally do not wish to have a great fuss made when I finally shuffle off this mortal coil.
So the concept of Flash Funerals is that your friends, relatives, and anyone else whose mobile phone number or email address you have, is sent a message.
This message would
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Humour - Ghostly Moans By Darren Sant
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It isn't easy being a ghost. We are the only supernatural entity without a union.
Anaemic vampires are well looked after in their retirement. Werewolves with mange get reduced vets bills. I mean for god's sake even Banshee's with laryngitis get given free strepsils.
What do we have? Bloody ectoplasm. Have you any idea how hard it is to shift ectoplasm from
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Humour - Horoscopes - We look into your stars..and give you the bad news By Darren Sant
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Aquarius 21 Jan - 19 Feb: This month mercury is entering Uranus. Seek immediate medical attention.
Pisces 20 Feb - 20 Mar: Now might be a good time to write your last will and testament.
Aries 21 Mar - 20 Apr: Mars is dominant in your sign this month. If you happen to spot Beagle please let NASA know.
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Humour - News from 'Ull Part 2 - The Scandal of Hull's Illegal Scrap Dealers
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It emerged today that several Hull individuals have been arrested for possessing illegal scrap, with intent to supply.
But we're not talking scrap of the metal variety - it's the elusive but strangely irresistible bits of batter that collect in the bottom of the fryer in chip shops all over Hull.
Yes - 'scraps'. Until recently, scraps were the staple diet of many poor people in Hull, being the cheapest item
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Humour - News from 'Ull Part 1 - New Test for Asylum Seekers
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It emerged recently that the government is making new asylum seekers pass a Britishness test before being granted asylum.
The immigration forces in Hull have come up with their own agenda - making them pass a test on 'ullness, to see if they have the potential to become fully fledged citizens of the planet 'ull.
Applicants have to answer the following questions :
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Humour - Good Diet Conclusion
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Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heartattacks than the British or Americans.
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Humour - Valentine Special...Odd Couples by Jane Foster
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As the old saying goes, opposites attract. Love can blossom between unlikely individuals. Love can cross boundaries of age, culture, distance..even extreme political ideologies.
Let me show you our gallery of some of these couples.. people who have found true, everlasting love, despite cultural and political barriers, despite the prejudices and reactions of others.
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Humour - Is it All Over for the Personal Ads? by Jane Foster
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At one time, joining a dating agency or putting a personal ad in the paper was seen as the mark of desperation.
If anyone did do it, they seldom admitted it - unless they actually ended up meeting someone and staying with them. Then the details of how they met might leak out slowly..
But technology has changed the way people meet and interact, and one of the most common pastimes is..
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Humour - When You Think About IT ...
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At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft..
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Ask Dorothy Advice Column, - My life is ruined.
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Dear Dorothy,
writing to you is a last resort. I am so depressed I could kill myself.
Last year I spent all summer with my dad converting our garage into a practice room for our band. We had weeks of great weather, barbecues - me, my girlfriend and my buddies all shared this great close bond.
It was the happiest time of my life...or so I thought. Everything started to go wrong,
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