Easing the Stress of Doctors Waiting Rooms, Several Other Things and Mimicking the Effect of Beta Blockers Using a Washing Machine (1/2) By Frankie Lassut

(1/2), (2/2).

It's an irony, but to ease the stress mentioned in the title, one must become very ill. That illness too must have high blood pressure as a symptom. I don't know about you, but I spend time each month in the doctors waiting room. This is for three reasons. 1. Jeremy Kyle is usually on the TV, so it's very entertaining. 2. It's ok for people-watching.

3. I get Beta Blockers, and the doctors always encourage me to make them laugh as it beats looking at dull faces.

I had heart failure in January 2008 you see, and now I have the doctors and consultants convinced that they are keeping me alive. Actually, I don't think I am. I think I wander the earth soul lessly, while my body is run by things called quantum intellidrugs i.e. drugs with intelligence, which, like a soul, need a body to get round in. I'm a kind of a crude Transformer. I am now, because of heart failure, doomed to be here walking the earth, forever. This kind of thinking could be the drugs, but I don't care, because beta blockers make you quite 'I don't care'. Jeremy Kyle is quite entertaining, which cheers you up before you enter the drug ordering room.

People-watching is cool if you like grim expressionless faces; which again can make you feel better. Beta blockers make those first two irrelevant actually. Beta blockers stop your heart going bumpety bumbety bump bump, and make it go buuuuuump pause buuuuump pause etc, and they also lower your BP so the medical world thinks you're alive, when you're actually not (as already explained).

The one surgery problem that causes stress, is; the doctors tend to waffle over the intercom thing, so you never know when it's your turn to walk the clean mile to the room. Like in hospitals, the only tip here to keep you alive is to walk in the middle of the corridor. This keeps you safe from all the viruses that hang around 'airbound'. They like to hover near the air vents you see because of the cooling draught, and also because they can amuse themselves by playing in the swirling currents of air (like gulls at the seaside or city centre dumps).

That's a point ... if you live in or around Coventry, you can't actually get near the seaside to watch these gulls and realise I'm not bullshitting, as it's in the middle of the country... the 'this is the middle of England' brass plaque is in a pub called the Bulls Head in Meriden, you can stand on it (providing you aren't too pissed and fall off).

So, Coventry people, to almost have a day out at the seaside, all they need is buckets and spades and a couple of deckchairs (and an air rifle to sort the gulls), and go sit down the city tip with the kids. You can get a bag of sand from most shops now, as they're sold to barricade your door from yobs with hand grenades, which I believe they now have (well, it's a natural step up in the evolutionary ladder isn't it?). In Birmingham, they actually go a step further, of course; it's compulsory.

There is one of those concrete circles outside the museum; you know, steps leading down to it? Religious 'We think we know God' groups, with big amps and even bigger mouths, but smaller 'closed' minds, unfortunately, like to hang out there and offer to save sinners (and you'll be thrilled to know that everyone is a welcome patient to be converted to their particular brand of insanity).

Last Summer, to give city kids the beach experience, they re-created Blackpool. This involved the assassination of the religious groups first, and then the filling of the circle with sand, to a depth not quite enough to bury a kid (well, it was Birmingham, and the organisers had to be careful). This proved disastrous as far a local chav hand grenading went, and lots of people lost their front doors; much to the delight of 4 million local double glazing companies ... very symbiotic.

Unfortunately, all the salesmen got to fighting the competition, and they all died violently ... which was good for undertakers etc ... once again, very symbiotic.

Actually, a survey carried out afterwards (people loved the survey because they got free Easter eggs ... but then their details were sold to 4 million new double glazing companies who just suddenly sprang from nowhere ... very symbiotic). When the new glazing salesmen with 'hot leads' saw the tattered wallpaper in people's hallways (due to grenade blasts), they immediately sidelined into wallpaper salesmen too. They actually had some donkeys too! Donkey rides for the kids! How lovely!

Well ok ... the donkeys had an afternoon of 'fun' before ... well, they were made into kebabs of course. The advertising almost told people this - Doner kebabs? Doner(key) Kebabs. The message here is to always read the small print, and especially read the print that isn't there ... it's easy, all you have to do is look 'straight through' something.

Continued ...next page (2/2)

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