The Blockheads New Writing Festival by by Jane Foster Hull Truck Theatre Thursday June 24th Special Guest Reviewers

Bernard Manning - Hilarious original Northern comedian

Tony Blair - The Prime Minister, not Lionel's brother you prancing thespians you

Thora Hird - Thoroughly nice old lady who's drop scones are the envy of, well.. other old ladies

COPPER By Sarah Blanchard

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An idealistic young teacher ( Kelly Hardy ) tries to persuade 'ordinary folks' to attend her art classes, with not very tragic consequences.

Thora - Ey, I loved this little play. That Kelly Hardy, she ain't half a bonny little lass. Make a nice wife for my grandson Brian she would. Bernard - Yeah, I thought she were a decent bit o' crackling meself, though don't tell the wife. Tony - People of the theatre, can we just get on and review this piece now please? I have a rather important appointment to get to next. Bernard - Oh yeah got a meeting at the 'ouse of Commons eh? Tony - No, with a plumber. We need to get our new corner Jacuzzi fitted. I'm afraid Cherie's thighs became rather too, er, ample for the last one. Bernard - Yeah she has become a bit of a porker of late hasn't she me lad? Not that I can talk - my wife, God love her, makes me feel permanently pissed. Every time I look at her chin I'm seeing double. Silence Thora - She ought to get one of those crane things to lift her out you know Tony. They're right handy - I got one half price when I bought me new stairlift ! Tony - Yes, well, erm ok. Anyway to move quickly on.. I really like this play, especially as it reflects one of my favourite policies. The main character is trying to enrich the lives of ordinary working class people by encouraging them to better themselves through further education. Bernard - What, going to poofy art classes is education? What toss. They'd get better money being a bleedin' plumber. I know, I saw it on the telly. All these posh nobs turning to plumbing cos they can earn loads a dosh. Better than painting daft pictures! Thora - Now Bernard, that's not true. My sister Renie makes quite a few pennies painting pictures of the neighbours' dachsunds. Not to mention some lovely portraits of our good Lord. Bernard - Oh Jesus Thora - Yes exactly. Halleujah! Now where did I put me tambourine? Bernard - Its in yer hand you dizzy old bag. Anyway, back to this bloody play. I liked the two blokes in it, reminded me of me old mates back on the building site. Thora - Yes, they did play those characters nice, didn't they? Karl Haynes plays the role of 'rough lad' right well. And that Adam Colclough, I can see him in a production by my good friend Alan Bleasdale. Tony - I thought that was Alan Bennett? Bernard - Wasn't that him who sang Climb Every Mountain? Eeh I love him doing that. Tony - Well. To summarise, I think this play performed a vital role in educating the masses about the importance of educating the masses. It highlighted the clashes between middle class and working class culture. Maybe the writers were drawing on their own experience? Though I do think the plot moved too quickly towards the main character Sally taking a liking to Sid. Bernard - What the **** you on about ? I'm off for a pint and a slash. See ya later. Thora - Oh dear I'll have to go too. I've got some important tarts to bake for the Womens Institute bi-monthly Ann Summers party. Tony - In that case I declare this meeting closed. Now, where's that number for Sir Poncenby-Smythe's Plumbing Company? WIRED By Jane C Field A young woman suffering from fits volunteers for tests for epilepsy. In the hospital, she is filmed 'Big Brother' stylie.. Thora - Sorry I'm late me loves. I got me girdle caught on a spring while I was rescuing a custard cream from under me high seat chair. I had to wait an hour for the home help - she was late again ! Tony - Yes well I'm not here to comment on current state provision for the elderly. We're supposed to be talking about the theatre. Bernard - Ooh touchy ! Your lass get stuck in the bath again did she? Tony - The jacuzzi you twit. Thora - Did you look into getting a bath hoist? Tony - Look, can we just turn to more important matters, ie reviewing this next play? I liked this one very much. It dealt with the subject of disability in a sensitive yet humorous manner. The lighter side of illness, if you will. Thora - Yes, I felt sorry for that poor lass, having fits and having to go through tests for epilepsy and all. Bernard - Yeah. Shame she turned out to be a cripple in the end, eh. Tony - Bernard! I'm afraid that word is offensive. Bernard - Well, what am I supposed to say then? Tony - Well I believe the correct term is, er....oh dear, I've forgotten. I haven't got my Currently Acceptable Descriptions for the Differently Abled on me. Bernard - Eh? What tosh! Why, you can't say nothing nowadays. I heard you're not even allowed to say Macbeth round here. It's political correctness gone mad! Thora - Bernard!!! Now button that lip or we'll get thrown out of here! Tony - Back to the play, guys. I liked the 'Big Brother' aspect of it, the fact that they were being filmed in the hospital. It lent the play a contemporary twist. There's dramatic tension in it, as you're waiting to hear the diagnosis. And it exposed the taboo of disability, especially amongst the proud, good old working class. Bernard - Eeh what would you know about bein' working class? I bet you've never thrashed a whippet or kept a pigeon in your bloody life. Tony - On the contrary, Bernard. I am working class. I'll have you know I've got three flying pigs on one of my walls at home. Bernard - It's ducks, you twat, not pigs. Tony - What? ..Oh dear. Well it's the housekeepers fault..she put them up. I was assured by the agency that she was genuinely working class. It's so difficult to find them nowadays. Thora - Yeah, Tony. For all you know she could be one of them posh lasses with a degree from Cambridge. Bernard - Yeah, I bet her husband's one of them posh nob plumbers an' all ! Tony - There's nothing wrong with 'posh' plumbers. Poncenby-Smythes are doing a fine job with the jacuzzi. Although I had to remind myself to offer them Pimms and caviar for their mid morning snack. Bernard - Bloody poofs. Thora - Now Bernard, that's not nice. There was a lovely lad in this play who was a gay, don't you remember? The one who played the nurse. He was having a right hard time with himself about it an' all. Bernard - Yeah well the theatre's full of shirtlifters, innit? Tony - Bernard, take your diatribes elsewhere. It's not good for my image. Thora - Yes he was only playing a character, Bernard. He's probably not really a gay. He might even be a Christian for all we know. God bless him. Bernard - Oh here she goes again. I'm off before this turns into Songs of Praise. Thora - Hey, don't knock Songs of Praise. I hear it helped launch the career of that rapper lad, what's his name? Jelly Tot? Bernard - No you daft bat, don't you mean M and M ? Thora - Oh, I don't know. Anyway I'm going now. Ta-ra loves. Bernard - Yeah me an' all. Pub should be open now. Tony - Oh, Songs of Praise..it's just not the same without Harry Secombe. Oh no! I just remembered. I've got to arrange some invites for the Poncenby-Smythe boys. They're invited to my next conference - ReConstructing the Construction Industry: From Bum Cleavage to Bond Street Bank Accounts. Must dash ! Goodbye...er, I mean, ta-ra !

The Blockheads New Writing Festival by Jane Foster continued..

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