The Blockheads New Writing Festival by by Jane Foster Hull Truck Theatre June 23rd Special Guest Reviewers

Michael Jackson - D-List celebrity with a confusing skin disorder

Snoop Doggy Dogg - A gentleman entertainer who likes the ladies

Barry White - A gentleman entertainer who lurves the ladies

1000 WORDS By Ben Askew

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An art student recruits a fellow scholar to find out all about her life..and then paint her in her absence

Barry- Hey, sorry I'm late, guys. I heard some real bad news on the radio about a beautiful girl losing her beautiful little face. Snoop - Hey man, that's bad. For real, I'm always sad to hear that a bitch has lost her looks. Michael - I never touched those children. Barry- I believe ya brother, I believe ya. Look into my eyes and you'll be in paradise.. now what was I talking 'bout? Oh yeah. On the news today, it said that sexy lady Liza Minnelli had her face stolen while she was sleepin'. Apparently some dude ripped it right off probably hoping to transplant it onto their own face. She 's very distressed. I guess she'll need a lot of good lovin' to put her right. Michael - Oww! Barry- Yep, I guess it hurt real bad. Michael - : No Barry, I was just expressing myself like I usually do, you know, ee-hee! Snoop - Well I wonder why the bitch didn't wake up. I guess she was too stoned to notice. I saw her in Brooklyn last week scorin' some crack, the motherfuckin' ho. Barry - Easy now Snoop. Life ain't gonna be good for a lady with no face. Anyway. Those plays we saw the other night. I think we'd better dim the lights, put on some sweet soul music, and get down to some serious talkin'. Snoop- yeah? Lets do it, yo. Michael - What was the first one about, guys? Oh yeah. The art student who wanted to paint a picture of that girl when she wasn't there. Barry- Yeah, yeah. 'Absence' he was gonna call the painting. A mighty fine idea as a concept, tho in real life I'd rather paint that beautiful lady Kelly Hardy in the flesh. Snoop - Well Barry my homeboy, if it's pictures of hot bitches that you need , come round to my crib later and I'll flash you some good 'publications', know what I'm sayin'? Barry - Hey Snoop, this girl Kelly ain't no ho. She's a God given gift from the Lord himself. No wonder that dude wanted to paint her. I'd like to take her home, lay her down in my lurve proof bed, whisper some good lovin' words in her soft ear and then make lurve all night to that home lovin' queen of Hull Truck theatre.. Michael - Hey you guys, what about the play? I thought it was pretty good, and with the writer being only a young guy and all. Snoop- Hey, leave off that talk you faggot. Michael- But Snoop, all I said was that he was a young guy. Snoop - Yeah homey, you say that now but next thing we know he'll be sleeping in your fuckin' mansion and lickin' your cream off your fuckin' limousine. You know what I mean? Michael- Snoop I think you're takin' that the wrong way, although I must say, you've a talent for the rhyme, so I guess it's ok. Snoop - don't steal my style you weird faced mutha, or I'll kick you to the kerb! You know, these rings on my fings ain't just for bling! Michael - Sorry Snoop. Barry - Back to this play then. Michael - Well I liked it very much. You know, that girl had real problems with her self image. And I know how that feels. Snoop - Yeah, she was fucked up, man. She didn't know if she was a bitch, a home girl or a ho. I bet her mutha was shootin' up smack while she was readin' the Bible. Or some crazy screwed up shit like that. Barry - Snoop, I think you've got a problem. Don'cha know, beautiful ladies don't like all this kinda talk. They like the kinda guy in that play - sensitive, kind, gentle, listenin' t'all what's on your mind.. Snoop - Hey who you kiddin'. Where I'm comin' from, most bitches don't look your way unless your balls are weighed down with ten pounds a gold. Michael - Oww! Snoop - Yeah man you got it. Barry - Well guys, to bring this one to a climax, and Lord knows I'm the man for that.. It was a great achievement for a young guy to write with such insight into the mind of a lady.. Michael - I love ladies Barry - I believe ya brother, I believe ya.. ON THE TILES By Rachel Walker A night out on the booze ends in a mutual conspiracy to thwart ex partners..with consequences yet to be seen Barry - Well well, if it ain't a group of guys and gals out on the town, with the intention of ending the evenin' makin' sweet lurve to the sound of my Greatest Hits album.. Snoop - : Hey man, I think you'll find that's not the case. Girls like the sound of Snoop in their face when they're ridin' the ride and slidin' the slide..they're thinkin' bout Snoop there deep inside. Michael - Well as a matter of fact I hear my Off The Wall's back, all thanks to a dude who's a 70's hack. Barry - Now guys, let's stop the competition. And the ridiculous rhyme. We all know that without much effort we could all be Eminem . Snoop - Don't mention that mutherfuckin' sly crossin' gangsta wannabe. Michael - Well guys I liked this play. Though it could have done with a few more highs and lows. Snoop - You wanna git high? I'll sort y'out brotha Barry - No Snoop, he don't mean drugs Michael - : Yeah. I don't need no drugs to get me happy. Y'know, all I want for the world is peace and love. Barry - Mmm, sweet lurve Michael - No Barry, love Snoop - the mutherfuckin' difference? You guys talk some crazy shit. Michael - Well, the love I'm talkin' about is pure, y'know, none of that heavy gangsta stuff. It's not sexual, you know, real love, it's not about just a guy and a lady. Snoop - Yeah, I know what you're sayin', it's about children, right? I hear there's some guy been feelin' em up round here. Michael - Hey man, it wasn't me. Snoop - You stealin' that fuckin' line from my homey Shaggy? I'll have you know that title is protected by several US copyright laws. Michael - mean to trespass, Snoop. Ee-hee! Snoop - That's better. Stick to your own slogans, motherfucka. Even if they are fifteen years old. Barry - Well guys, to round up, I think this play is pretty ok, it was written by a very young lady after all, though I don't doubt she's a beautiful lady whoever she is. Snoop - Yeah? Homey, every bitch is beautiful to you. You wanna git real. You seen some of them back in the hood? They're enough to turn your gold chains to fuckin' nickel. Michael - Well I'm sure I'd like one of them. Snoop - Yeah I'm sure you would you crazy mutherfucka. I'm sure you would.

The Blockheads New Writing Festival by Jane Foster continued..

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