Everyone Loves The Big Girl By Leah Scarpati

The lights go back on and there are cheers, claps and wolf whistles as I take my final bow. That plank of a DJ ruined the end of my performance by cutting Shania off short instead of fading her out like I told him to. Thankfully I don't think anyone noticed. I'm sweating like a pack horse, but at least I've given it my all. Large Lady Kiss-a-grams are getting a good reputation and I reckon it's all down to me. The poor lad whose birthday it is, doesn't know where to look! He's all red in the face-bless him! I bet he's never seen a girl in her bra before, never mind a 42JJ set like mine!

I peel my T-shirt off his sweaty shoulders; 'I Love Big Birds' is emblazoned across the back- that always gets the odd car honk as I walk down 'Road. I take me spangley cowboy hat off his head before getting my coat and bag, ready for off. The D.J gives me back my CD and I glare at him as I hand back the mic. My baby blue stacked heels 'ant half rubbed tonight - I knew I shunt o' worn 'em, but they went with my new hat a treat. Colin, my minder meets me at the door as I pull my T-shirt back on.

"Last one Janice?" He asks as we head out towards the car, knowing full well it was my last one. "Aye!" I winced as my blistered feet roared in protest. "Catching last orders in Cri' then? Karaoke's on tonight." "Is the Pope Catholic?" He laughs, even though that wasn't all that funny. Bless him. "Come on Col," I say, resigned to another last orders at the bar, "I'll get 'em in."

Everyone in Criterion knows me. Life and soul of the party, I am. 'Ooh that's an ideal job for you Jan,' they said, 'Going to parties and snogging blokes all night!' They think I don't realise they're all laughing behind my back. Oh, I know all right. Those lads weren't cheering me on, they were laughing at their mate with the fat bird on his knee. Still- it pays the bills and I suppose there's gotta be worse things to do for money eh?

When we get to the pub, I get the pints in for me and Col. Tanya, the Karaoke Queen-come-stripper sees me at the bar and my name's boomed out of the speakers. I notice one o' the tassels has fallen off me 'at- but there's no time to worry about that now, 'cos the familiar opening bars of Nine-to-Five blast out and I dance me way across the floor to that familiar spot near the T.V. I don't even need to look at the words for this song. It's practically my life story!

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