Leonard By Frankie Lassut

Leonard was a nice man. Leonard had a 'dark' side? Leanoard hid it well Leonard didn't tell

Ring ring, Ring ring ... Leonard smiled, and tubbed his hands together. He picked up the phone, and went into voluntary professional mode: 'Hello, Samaritans.' 'I've got nothing to live for.

The credit card companies are threatening to take my house away to pay my bills, which they have piled the interest on. My wife got fed up of it and left with my children, and my firm has collapsed. I don't know what to do. I'm going to kill myself! Life's shit! God's shit! People are shit!' 'But sir. Things are never that bad.' said Leonard. 'Yes they are ... ohhhhhh yes they are, said the man. I need to go. I need to go. What's the most popular way? Which is the most painless?'

'Well sir. If you're that adamant. Usually people take sleeping pills with whisky or vodka, and then gas themselves in their cars. Supposed to be painless... I say, 'supposed' to be. You don't want to do that though sir, what if your wife comes back when you pick yourself back up?' 'Oh she won't she won't. She will meet someone else!' 'Oh sir, don't think like that. But, there again, what if she does? And, what if he's well to do and everything she ever wanted in a man. Just think, sir, he may bring her to screaming orgasms every night. Tell me sir, were you both lacking in that department too?'

'Yes. She never had an orgasm with me.'

'Hmmmm sir ... hmmmm ... well. I'd certainly recommend the whisky, pills and hosepipe ... before they take your car too sir?' 'Good idea. I'll do that! I was hiding the car at a friends, how did you know?' 'I'm a little psychic sir. Tell me sir.' 'It's John.' 'Ok John, as long as you don't mind me calling you by your first name. It's against company policy you see sir, I'm supposed to remain emotionally detached, like people who work for the NHS.'

'Oh, don't worry about that.' 'Ok John, I won't. If you're feeling the pinch John, I do have a suggestion.' 'Really? What is it?'

'Well John, it's quite separate from the Samaritans and I shouldn't really be doing it, but ... well, it's to help people such as yourself. It's a kit John, a suicide kit. It's a discount package of a hosepipe, some tape, and a bottle of sleeping pills... cost you a fiver less than if you bought it in the shops, and, delivery is free.' 'Hey. That sounds good! I'll have one! Leaonard took his address and credit card details. How do you do it so cheap?'

'Oh, contacts John, contacts.....' 'Thank you! Thank you so much for helping me. God bless your heart.' 'My pleasure John. I just know you'll be ok when you reach the other side.'

'I'm a Christian, I'm going to hell for being born into original sin, but thanks for the thought anyway. Goodbye.' 'Goodbye, Christian John. Have a good stay in hell for eternity' He put down the phone. Leonard smiled and rubbed his hands together. He packed the kit ready to post first thing ... he didn't like to let people down. He then checked his bank account ... and, great! Another fiver to send to the cancer ward of the local children's hospital.

Copyright © Frankie Lassut 2009

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