Plump Those 'Lovely Lady Lumps!'(1/2) By Jo Allison

(1/2), (2/2).

Just when you thought you were going to have to shell out thousands and go under the knife to get that bouncy JLo bottom... Hallelujah for the "Falke Foam Buttocks!" However, if padded briefs seem a bit too excessive; take a look at six of the gentler ways to get that "just had surgery look".

No pain, no gain, or so the saying goes. For decades women have been living up to this strange notion, exaggerating and deforming their bodies, suffering for their looks. From the rib-crushing, body-encasing, waist-tightening corsets of the 1900s to the feet-crippling, leg-lengthening (and breaking) stilettos of the 1980s, you would have thought the 21st century women would know better. But no. The latest in body deforming gimmicks guarantees to give you that coveted, Latino-inspired rounded derrière. The name of this incredible invention? The Falke, foam-buttock knickers.

In actual fact they create a slightly abnormal, comically round, bubble bottom. It seems that no one has thought how trousers might begin to stretch over this protuberance, or the lasting damage, a sweaty, rubbing foam pad may cause to the rear. However, this latest invention is by no means the cruelest. Modern technology has brought with it some horrendous new ways to suffer for our vanity. If it's not skin-slashing plastic surgery, or chemically burning facial peels, then it's needles pumping gels to stop those ever spreading wrinkles; delightful. But if like me, you're not one for surgery, then take a look at the latest strange and unique ways of deforming your body, and creating that 'oh so perfect' silhouette.

Urban Decay, Big Fatty Lip Plumper Watch your lips swell and feel the burn with this unique pout-enhancer. Created with African chilli, it works to dilate blood vessels, which increases blood flow to the lips. Slightly painful, but they promise 20 percent fuller (and rather redder) lips within ten minutes. The pain is just about bearable (due to the scrumptious scent and gold gloss) at least you'll look seductive. £10, Urban Decay www.Sephora.co.uk and www.urbandecay.com

The Falke Contour Panty, with Removable Pads The Falke Contour Panty enlarges and exaggerates the bottom to delightfully obese proportions. But does anyone actually want their bottom to be any bigger? Yes, it seems they do. The Falke brand has been selling like hot buns. Apparently these knickers give a neat silhouette and have a waist slimming effect, so why not? Usually shipped within 24hrs, $52.00 (£29.25) www.FigLeaves.com

Black Patent Stiletto's Lengthen those legs, and perhaps break those ankles with these lace-up, five-inch heels. Looking slightly S and M, these ankle boots have the styling from this season, lace-upped and pointy, a definite bedroom must-have, how can you resist? Sizes UK 4 - 12 Price £125.00, available in black, red and white. www.TheLittleShoebox.co.uk

Continued ... Next Page (2/2)

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