Suzie's Social Conscience Part 5

Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

Hi there. I'm feeling a bit sore this week, gals....my social conscience has suffered a big prick. Why, I hear you ask? Well, I'm ashamed to admit that I didn't respond to my normal call of duty, that is, to help my fellow citizens who are less fortunate and rich than me. I'll tell you what happened. I ignored a beggar. Last night, I was walking past Jackson's on Prince's Avenue, and I saw a homeless old man (not being rude, but you can spot them a mile off, can't you - or smell them). And instead of giving my usual offering (saying Hello, old man! Cold, isn't it? Ooh...) I just walked past. Why? Simply because he was masturbating.

Well people I'm not repressed, I believe in sexual freedom....but not when it blocks the doorway of my local supermarket and stops me buying a loaf of bread and a sticky banoffee cake. (Speaking of sticky - that's why I don't actually give them money. Their hands always are, and well, unless I'm wearing gloves...) And in this case, more sticky and icky than usual.

After this I was racked with guilt. So, I told my bezzy friend - Cornisha from California - and she explained that he was probably suffering from an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and believed that if he didn't masturbate he would die. Cornisha's friend had a similar thing - an OCD about soap powder, and a rampant sex drive. She spent all day in the local launderette, watching Ariel commercials and flicking herself off.

What a miserable existence. Well, we should take pity on these people. They are trapped in a state of perpetual hand motion. They suffer from constant sticky fingers and have nowhere to wash their hands. So, if you see this poor old man, have more sympathy than the bloke who shouted at him Big Tissue, mate? - and stretch out the hand of compassion. (If you're wearing gloves, of course). See you soon. Keep caring. Suzie xx

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