Suzie's Social Conscience Part 1

Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

Hi there everyone! I'm Suzie Horsington-cum-Scoff (yes I know that's a mouthful isn't it!) And I'm here to dispense some wisdom for the next few weeks to you sweet local people. (Ooh I so love local people - a shame that I had never met any until I visited Hull!) Let me tell you about myself. I'm an Oxford Sociology graduate (for my sins!) And my favourite hobby is getting out of my Porsche and getting out with 'the people' if you know what I mean (I believe that's a Hull saying?) Hull people call me 'the cashmere-coated philanthropist' - God knows why! Local people are so funny aren't they? Ha ha!!

I have many mottos to guide me through life but my main one is stretch out the hand of compassion (as long as you're wearing gloves). Great eh, people? Those who know me are well aware that I think Hull Is Fab And Super! www.thisisull.com/articles/fabhull.html. So they suggested that I write a column to keep you all happy and pick up some much needed guidance on the way, from how to keep your skin smooth (girls!) to how to deal with the difficult social issue of masturbating tramps! Anyway, on with my first instalment of good advice for all you lovely little people who can't think of these things themselves!

Did you know that having a social conscience can make you slimmer? Yes, it's true! I lost 10 lbs on the new Starvation Awareness Plan! Here's how it goes: Every time you see a yummy banoffee cake in the bakery window, just ask yourself : Am I really hungry? What about people in the world who are starving? I mean, really starving? Do I really know what hunger is??

Think of this for a few minutes and you will find that your hunger pangs have mysteriously subsided. And you'll soon see the weight drop off! Yes - you'll have a fantastic new figure in no time - just like I have! And guess what, gals? To celebrate my great new figure, I've just bought myself a brand new pair of Levi's - a snip at only £85! They look great with my new Nike trainers!! See ya soon gals - happy slimming, and shopping!!! Love, Suzie xx

Columns - Steve Regan - King Of Hull 14th February 2006.
	Valentine's Day brought an outpouring of affection and gifts to my door from people who clearly like me and know what I like. Oh, I got the usual twenty-or-so cards, some slushy, a few witty and at least three positively obscene. Hey, look, I am used to being an object of lust because of my uncanny resemblance to Johnny Depp. But this year I also received some lovely romantic gifts Read more...

Columns - Those Old Playpenitentiary Blues by The Silver Fox
	Long time no see, www.catsandkittens.com; hell of a long time, come to think of it. Now, far be it from me to suggest that people who spend long enough on the Internet to pick over the detritus that litters the scrubby grass verges of this particular Information Super Lay-by don't lead full and busy lives - buying tat on Ebay, looking for dwarf porn Read more...

Columns - Crazy Joe's News-Rant - Am I Right Wing or Left Wing? Part 2 By King Rat
	Given the choice between orally pleasing a great white shark and being the Falluja Avon lady, I guess some man-eating fish is in for it. As captain America's hillbilly conscripts tear at the bit to open up another operation of blood fest on those happy zealots; Read more...

Columns - Steve Regan: the King of Hull A New Year Message
	SO another new year is upon us and many will think there are not great grounds for feeling optimistic. What with Iraq in flames, MRSA still ripping through UK hospitals, a pensions crisis and the property market about to go into freefall, 21st century life hardly Read more...

Columns - Crazy Joe's News-Rant - Am I Right Wing or Left Wing? By King Rat - Professional Yorkshireman
	So the evil Bush and his monkey legions have defeated Saint Kerry and retain their unchallenged crown as supreme rulers of the universe. News just in, Florida has voted Republican. The masses of Black Americans and Cuban spivs who were denied electoral rights last time have let him off Read more...

Columns - Oh My God - They Killed Kenny - You Hirsute, Scottish Bastard! By The Silver Fox
	Against every humanitarian plea, against every civilised instinct, against reason and sense themselves, they did it. Ken Bigley is dead; a victim of a struggle about which he (like many of us) neither wished to participate in nor particularly understood. His headless corpse Read more...

Columns - Tales from the Lonely Tavern - Final Edition By King Rat - Professional Yorkshireman
	As me 'n brother made way to ye olde town for weekend spree, we circumnavigated giant telly yon Victoria square. Now thee been told that giant telly cost a pretty packet and sum of English pounds. On slight sight of surrounding acres there was but one weather-beaten Read more...

Columns - Here I Go Again, On The Moan By The Silver Fox
	Crikey, www.catsandkittens ; been a while, hasn't it? How things seem to have changed since last we got together. I love what some of you have done with your hair, I must say, and how long has that been there? No, no - it's nice, it really is ... you just don't see many of them these days, that's Read more...

Columns - Eel Llenassac presents Smokers Corner
	I somehow found my way to the bedroom last night where I was blessed with the presence of the Sliver Fox, The Manchurian Candidate, Cowfish and Shindig (including their every reliable roadie, Stevo Ravishing Rick Wraggs. I had a nice good old-fashioned drunken Read more...

Columns - Something Hot in a Cold Country - Part 2 By Jane Foster
	In my role at thisisUll.com I seem to have taken it upon myself to be the reporter, nay, the spread-the-worder - of all things multicultural in the tiny crack of the universe that is 'ull. In using the word crack please Read more...

Columns - Steve Regan: the King of Hull
	I wonder how Humberside police chief David Westwood is frittering away his time as he waits and waits to learn his fate after being suspended from duty pending the result of an inquiry. I rather hope that he might use this enforced rest period to take up a hobby which he once used to practise with some enthusiasm. Read more...

Columns - Tales from the Lonely Tavern - Edition Four By King Rat - Professional Yorkshireman
	How do kinsman and other lesser bein's (am only jestin' ya). August 1st on Sabbath was national Yorkshire day, by glad to say that thee rejoiced without limitations. In one day thee crossed the boundaries of North, West and Eastern Yorkshire, walked the moors, a pint a' Theakstons and consumed a well cooked piece a' rump. Read more...

Columns - Something Hot in a Cold Country - Part 1 By Jane Foster
	Well several hot spicy items have caught my attention these last few weeks. First of all I hear that the great Imran Khan has divorced his wife Jemima. Well let's face it, a name like Jemima is unforgivable at the best of times...to me it will always be associated with a rather passive, second rate Read more...

Columns - Tales from the Lonely Tavern - Edition Three By King Rat - Professional Yorkshireman
	Behold ye listeners of the righteous truth, for day has passed to night and yester folly has turned to moro's squander. If rantin's of a non-commissioned exaggerator is what thou be wantin', then thou has arrived tat right place, the lonely tavern. Sanctuary, for all those of common purpose who refuse the outside Read more...

Columns - I'd Like To Teach The World to Shut The Fuck Up By The Silver Fox
	What with Wimbledon, Euro 2004, Hell's Kitchen, Big Brother 5, and the recent healing of the lesbian storyline on Emmerdale Farm, some of you may have noticed that actual news has been a bit thin on the ground lately. Oh, I'll admit that things have happened - it's not like the international movers and Read more...

Columns - Tales from the Lonely Tavern - Edition Two By King Rat - Professional Yorkshireman
	Yet again tis what the government gave me, two score an eight hours of rest and unbridled caperings. Thou find thee and company in the homely ambience of the lonely tavern. Three men of little wit but a wisdom born of hard adventurin'. Our chatterins aim not to preach but to teach. Read more...

Columns - Poor Little Reich Kids By Silver Fox
	Much as it pains me to say it, this week has found me thinking that we may - as right-thinking people (and if you're not a right-thinking person, what the hell are you doing hanging around my information super-lay-by? Piss off over to www.you'vebeenstillborn.net where the likes of you are better Read more...

Columns - Ronald Reagan - An Apology By Silver Fox
	Let's not beat around the bush, www.catsandkittens; last week, some harsh words were said. I - in an unprecedented and regrettable lapse - allowed my integrity and even-handed, dispassionate analysis of Things As They Are to become compromised by personal opinion: there, I've said it. I admit fully that Read more...

Columns - Tales from the Lonely Tavern - Edition One By King Rat - Professional Yorkshireman
	Recently in the hallowed pages of thisisull.com a new columnist has sprung up, filling our heads with home-grown opinions. This master of the pen is none other than the Silverfox, a man I have many a doings with in CrackTown. Now much as I respect the genius and Read more...