Look After the Pennies and the Self-Serving Will Look After Themselves (4/4) by The Silver Fox

(1/4), (2/4), (3/4), (4/4).

In an ideal world, this would be the right thing to do - but then, in an ideal world, people would have been equally sympathetic and supportive of governmental aid for the many thousands of people who's lives were wrecked by the closure of the Kwik Save chain: the decision to open an account with a certain bank is one that affords the investor a wealth of choices, after all (they can shop around; compare inducements; consider the ethical dimensions of the institutions' foreign investment policies - if any), whereas the decision to take a job at Kwik Save is one that would be made more urgently, and of greater necessity.

I'm not speaking ill of the dead per se here, www.catsandkittens, but do you really think that many of the people we used to see mopping up sick and slinging boxes of Cheerios onto shelves had a real sense of vocation about donning the red jumper? It's doubtful: people take low-paying jobs because they have to - people choose (let us say) HSBC over Lloyds/TSB because they want to. You pays your money, you takes your choice.

This may seem a rather cold statement, but I can assure you it's not entirely motivated by an indifference to the plight of the small investors, but rather by a (possibly base and unworthy) suspicion that if a government aid package does wing its way to Northern Rock, there's no way of being sure that it would go to the neediest. After all, senior banking officials are not averse to the odd "performance-related bonus", are they? "Performance-related"? By the looks of things, if a penny more than is absolutely necessary is spent on burying the responsible parties knacker-deep in a pit of enraged scorpions, that really would be misappropriation of the worst kind.

As far as Council Tax breaks for the soldiery in the Middle East goes - the same rules apply. Perhaps I've mentioned these salient (but often overlooked) facts before, but I feel it may bear repeating: PEOPLE JOIN THE ARMY BECAUSE THEY WANT TO! THIS IS NOT THE SECOND WORLD WAR! THERE ARE NO PRESS-GANGS! No amount of flag-waving or jingoistic claptrap about "Our Boys - Gawd Bless 'Em" is going to alter that.

Wilson, Keppel, and Betty! If people really want to "serve the country" by performing dangerous and morally-suspect propaganda exercises for the government of the day; let them go canvassing on Preston Fucking Road Estate at the next election. They could still have snappy uniforms, if they liked. It's doubtful: people take low-paying jobs because they have to - people choose (let us say) HSBC over Lloyds/TSB because they want to. You pays your money, you takes your choice. Music and Lies Where beefy, florid Facts slap-dance to the throbbing Schwartzweld tubas of Malicious Invention

Fears are growing for the safety of James Dean Syndromw frontman, Jackie "Celestial Raiment" Muldoon after he publicly vowed never to sit down again until full democratic reform "sweeps through Burma like Mint Imperials go through my Auntie Jean". Lower back pain experts have warned the singer that unless he sits down soon, he may suffer "a boo-boo" that will require the sort of "diddums diddums, tickle tickle" unavailable outside exclusive clinics in Switzerland.... Thanks to a successful joint venture between brewery marketing executives and top scientists at Hugo Boss, patrons of The Piper (Newland Avenue) can now enjoy the Stench of Death every Friday night from 10pm. "We're very excited" said a very excited spokesman...

Stickpin have at long last realised their dream of combining crime-fighting with their music career by acquiring a super-powered flying car.

"It's got a computer in it that talks and everything," gushed charismatic axeman, Nunchuka West, pointing at what looks like an old Atari games console secured to the dashboard with masking tape, "We're not sure what all the buttons do yet though," he went on.... Perennial favourites, The GST Cardinals have signed the Gorgons from Ancient Greek mythology as backing vocalists for their upcoming tour of Somerset 24-hour garages.

The serpent headed sisters are said to be "pleased and aroused" to have joined the band for an undisclosed fee.....Want more? You'll get it when I get it.... Whatever Happened To ... TV Movies where there are two twins, separated at birth? They're awesome. Usually, one twin becomes a happily adjusted family-man, while the other one (usually believed to be dead) grows up into a twisted psychopath with a penchant for prolonged and increasingly macabre mind games. There's a cracking example of the genre I've seen about three times; I forget what it's called, but it's got that Judd Hirsch from Taxi in it.

Foxy's Final Fought It always seems a bit redundant to point out that the British Judiciary are a tad out of touch with Life As We Know It, but once again, one of their number has demonstrated with trouser-filling aplomb just how isolated and senescent most judges are. In sentencing a man for headbutting his wife's lover while appearing on The Jeremy Kyle Show, Manchester District Judge Alan Berg - evidently not altogether familiar with the whole "nuts and sluts" format - lambasted Mr Kyle's show as being akin to "human bear-baiting." "Human," Your Honour? Really?

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