Crazy Joe's News-Rant - Am I Right Wing or Left Wing? By King Rat - Professional Yorkshireman

So the evil Bush and his monkey legions have defeated Saint Kerry and retain their unchallenged crown as supreme rulers of the universe. News just in, Florida has voted Republican. The masses of Black Americans and Cuban spivs who were denied electoral rights last time have let him off the hook and given the benefit of the doubt. Either that or dodgy dealings and secret service shenanigans have sabotaged the unswerving will of democracy.

No, surely not, America, land of the free, home of the Yee Hah! The world trembles, waiting, anticipating, who's next? Wouldn't wanna be in Lapland right now. Not for all the Oil in Iraq. So four more years of Imperial rule (Darth Vader theme tune). Oh saint can't you see, oh they're buggering me. Several states, Union and 'federates (only steers and queers come from Texas) agree to ban the legitimacy of gay marriages.

Hell, who cares? Both leave the toilet seat up and both have more shoes than necessary. In the future we'll all be hermaphrodites, for that special kind a love.

Yasser Arafat dead or dying, tea towel for sale, not only does it fuck up your dishes, but any associated peace plans between warring forks and spoons. Van Gough's great-half cousins bus driver killed by Islamic madman. Film depicted Allah giving oral sex to a Mastodon, or so the story goes. Mohammed went to the mountain but was beaten by Charlton Heston wielding a Seeker missile, which is every American's war-god given right.

Yeah, that's if God give a gnats arse about planet Earth; Enjoy your stay, though there's too many swimming pools and the natives are stark raving bonkers.

So Bush staggers to the press conference, Cheney sneers with glee, Rumsfeld begins counting his nuclear warhead stockpile. Visit your local Korea advisor, there's a future in the manufacturing industry, put these gloves on and use these tongs, just don't smack your kiddies, in case they sue. When the country's knee deep in juvenile delinquents smoking their drugs and sniffing their glue, it's too late but fortunately irrelevant.

Unless Professor Cecil D Schnausen-Hausen is correct and Global warming can be reversed before Great Britain becomes the withered isle.

58 million people living on Ben Nevis surrounded by fecking penguins. With hope Beagle's successor will have colonised Mars in preparation for Space-Disney and the native American Indians can finally eject the tenants from hell. We hunt Buffalo for food not for gaudy leather boots with denim, sports jacket combo.

Though not only does Chief shit upon from great height suffer, poor Black Watch boys get shipped to Deathsville, population rapidly decreasing. Might as well have bulls eyes on their sporrans; Donald where's your lower intestines! Pawns of an elaborate plot of elitist power-mongers dribbling on the cast of Guess that Sultan.

We live in uncertain times, gambling with our lives and soon in the plethora of casinos that will stain our once virtuous land. God Bless America, for the stupid need his help.

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