Knocking On Heaven's Door? (2/2) By Jim Higo

(1/2), (2/2).

(It turns out to be the Daily Mail, which proves that being a twat transcends the borders of ethnicity). He doesn't have a rucksack but I remember that this doesn't matter because now they have suicide bomb vests. I saw these on television a few weeks ago and I thought at the time "They look horrible, I wouldn't be seen dead in one of those", but perhaps I missed the point. I catch his eye and smile at him, thinking that if he smiles back he is unlikely to be on the verge of blowing up the tube and killing us both. But this theory is of course rubbish because if he was a suicide bomber, he would have the prospect of 72 virgins in store for him and would, of course, therefore be smiling as broadly as a Tamil Tiger.

He looks away but this tells me nothing as I remember that I'm in London and that any form of human interaction is considered abnormal.

As the tube chugs away I start to feel a bit sorry for suicide bombers, I mean, it's a one gig show and you don't get chance to practice. And as Chris Addison says, "If it all goes wrong, you can't kill yourself, because, well you can't kill yourself." And the rewards sound good but they're all a bit too vague for my liking. You're in paradise for eternity with 72 virgins at your disposal, which sounds great, but eternity is a very long time and also there's no guarantee is there, I mean Anne Widdecombe's a virgin. And in truth it's not that good a deal really, when you consider that you get 4 and 20 virgins coming down from Inverness.

The good thing round my way is that the concept of 72 virgins is not something anyone can grasp, so recruitment on that basis wouldn't get very far. Personally I might be more likely to volunteer if some of the virgins came before I blew myself up. But all the July 7th bombers got in the way of pre-suicide entertainment was to go white water rafting and I've consulted the Koran and sadly this is not Islamic rhyming slang.

So here we are in the 21st century; slaves to oil, with our leaders prepared to lie, cheat and fight (not personally of course, that would be foolish) to preserve our hold on the earth's resources. Willing to turn a blind eye to the fact that the land that holds those resources happens to be occupied by somebody else and ready to blame others for the consequences of their actions. But for us in Britain it's all so very unnecessary, there really was no need for us to be involved in this unseemly quest for oil at all. If only we'd been more observant, if only we'd shown more ingenuity, if only we'd looked to our own resources, then surely someone would have spotted that David Cameron has got about 50 years worth of oil in his hair.

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