Something Hot in a Cold Country - Part 1 continued By Jane Foster

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And I thought it couldn't get worse.. than the end-of-line bookshop I came across the other week that had the diary of Ann Frank next to a biography of Hitler. When my friend pointed out this faux pas to the assistant, she replied: Oh..is it because of the war and that?..I tell you, it could only happen in 'ull.. Anyway, I digress. There's been a few small establishments with darkened windows marked Adult Shop around 'ull, but nothing as blatant as the sexual equivalent of McDonalds. And the scary thing is, I promised to myself that I would get off the bus next time and check this place out, just for research purposes of course..Eeh, I've sold out to this corporate McSex joint already.

But at least Mount Pleasant could be finally living up to its name.. What could this thing herald, I ask? Why, it makes me feel quite conservative. I've not yet got round to feeling comfortable about the fact they sell condoms in Asda. Well, with today's swift turnover of low paid service staff, you never know who's gonna be on the till, do you? Could be your old history teacher, and imagine how embarrassing that would be. Not that there's much chance of that happening to me - the schools I went to, most of my ex teachers are in prison for paedophilia..

Anyway. I fear this peculiar commercial enterprise will soon spread it's erect talons all over this dear country if left unchecked.

Yes, before long we'll all be encountering Sex Toys R Us on our weekly innocent shopping trip. Woe betide any of the less aware parents who get dragged into these places by their not - quite -literate kiddies..having to explain to a five year old that no, that's not a new kind of water pistol, put it down!! (but mum, it really squirts!) Yes, this is only the tip of the iceberg. It won't be long after this, and we'll be casually tossing nipple clamps onto the conveyor belt in Tesco, amongst the baked beans and soap powder, without a second glance..

All this will happen, of course.. unless the new, sanitised Blair still has his way, and succeeds in erasing all evidence of the permissive '60s in hearts, minds and supermarkets. Of course, this won't be necessary for all those who were around in the '60s, cos they've got no recollection of it anyway..

But blaming all social ills on one decade, the one which incidentally saw the real impact of the civil rights movement, the feminist movement, freedom from unwanted pregnancy to name a few history-changing happenings?..it's nothing short of imbecilic. Man, he should know its bad karma to diss that decade. Even though it did produce a generation of children called Sunset and Happiness, who all went on to cause great queues in the deed poll office 20 years later..

Alas poor Tony. In his precious ten year stretch, he's gone from a Cool Britannic, jean-wearing I used to be in a band, me kinda guy, to a God-fearing, Daily Mail sympathising Middle Englander. We used to leave our back door open, y'know. Well you didn't live at Number 10 then did you, you twat? No doubt nowadays his idea of a wild night is a few glasses of sweet sherry and not one, but two packets of Werther's originals. Oh, and a different coloured cardigan. But imagine the conversations between the old folks in 30 years time if Tony's moral crusade doesn't take hold. The common complaints amongst fellow pensioners: Eeh, I remember when you could get nipple clamps for £5 a pair in Tesco. In good old pounds and pence. Nowadays you can't get a decent set for less than 100 Euros. It's bloody ridiculous, so it is. Eeh, pass me leather studded Zimmerframe, will you? I hear cherry flavoured love balls are on special offer in the Swinging Shopper..

Ah well. It's not all bad news. Just heard this: bells of the celebrity double wedding variety may be ringing soon. Yep, the names Ken and Jemima do seem to go together well. And the nation's top doll may soon be Barbie Khan. Now there's a name..and they've got the tans to match. I can see the media creations that will emerge from these happenings: late night programme Fantasy Cricket with Barbie as surgically-enhanced ball-girl. Mattel.. cashing in with their new line, Backlash Ken..who'll be cashing in with his serialised diary in the Daily Mirror - Living Doll : My Life with Barbie. See you soon, and keep it plastic.

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