Something Hot in a Cold Country - Part 2 By Jane Foster

Next Page Part 1

In my role at thisisUll.com I seem to have taken it upon myself to be the reporter, nay, the spread-the-worder - of all things multicultural in the tiny crack of the universe that is 'ull. In using the word crack please don't think I'm implying that this great city might be located somewhere on the arse of humanity, oh no.. far from it. This city, like any small crack, has many features not usually visible to the untrained eye. On closer inspection, my dear home town has many qualities that lay hidden to the mere dilettante, but blatantly detectable to a determined sniffer outer such as I..

Let me tell you a bit about my motivation to report the juicy events that others fail to see round 'ere. Having come from the nether regions of the city where drinking Lilt is considered exotic, and necks are so red they're practically purple, you may think me an unlikely subject to report on anything of a vaguely exotic nature. But alas no, I am a complete and committed convert to all that is not mash, gravy and sausage roll.

Of course it hasn't always been so. It wasn't that long ago that even the simple pleasures of crispy Indian snacks were unknown to me. I remember clearly the first time I encountered the phenomenon known as Bombay Mix. It was some time in the late 80's, which to anyone not from 'ull means some time in the 60's (it takes 10 years for a bus to get here, and 20 years for a decade). Anyway, it was there on the coffee table at a neighbour's house on Orchard Park Estate.

Sitting in an innocent little dish, waiting to be plucked and inevitably dropped on the carpet by inept British council estate fingers. I enquired shyly as to the name of this strangely attractive snack. The name Bombay bounced from the lips of my respondent, and imbedded itself forever into my meek ignorant teenage consciousness. Bombay. My God, the word had two B's in it! Oh what exotic delights that name imparted to me right there and then. A spicy spark was ignited in my scally soul! Immediately though I could hear the voice of my ancestors whispering in my ears: No!!! Don't do it !!Who knows what shenanigans you might get up to after eating this seemingly innocent little starter ! It's only the beginning you know..you think you're in control..then..you need something a little bit hotter..and before you know it, you can't give the stuff up. You're in the grip of the Spice God, and you'll never want taty 'n' peas again.

Then the secrecy begins. Sneaking curries into your bedroom, making excuses not to eat that bland shepherds pie that your mam's just made.. she thinks you're anorexic, but you haven't the guts to tell her that you've been irreversibly seduced by the culinary temptations of the East...and there's no point telling her anyway 'cos she'll think you just mean the new chippy down 'olderness Road. Now you may find this hard to believe, living as we do now in a world where the national dish is allegedly chicken tikka masala, but if you do come from certain regions here and are of a certain age (I'm not saying which) this really is true y'know.

It all started with Uncle Ben's boil in the bag rice and ready made curries. I'm sure my mother curses the day they were on special offer in Jacksons and she chose to endure that pungent stench just to appease my teenage desires. Since then, I have experimented and become familiar with eating - even cooking -various dishes of the Indian variety. Though my bugbear is onion bhajis, they look so simple to make but yegads! they're not. I got in such a tizz with these one night I spilled hot vegetable oil all over my best denim skirt. Thank God for Superdrug stain bar.

I have found that adding fresh coriander to any dish is a sure- fire winner. I love this stuff, it's a weird taste but strangely addictive. Another must-have is the small green chilli. I love these. Oh yes !!! Ooh yes!!!! And that outburst is quite apt, as I have come to decide that these little gems are nature's own Viagra. Don't ask me how I know, just try it. Ladies, get your man onto these and you'll never need that Barry White album again.

Which brings me rather uncomfortably to the subject of impotence. Now it is being repeatedly said that this is on the increase and that men are in crisis etc. In fact it's being described as a national plague. I think this is true, but in my experience, only amongst Western men.. who are supposedly feeling rather redundant. Mmm, this theory could hold water, as well as other fluids. Could it be that Western women are unknowingly castrating men, with the sharp hems of their business suits and the not-so-gentle thrusting of their briefcases?

But what about the stuff we eat? The British are repeatedly condemned as a bland, apathetic nation - low turnouts in elections confirm this - but has anyone asked, could it be linked to the bland food that we eat? Think about it. Other nations that band together and don't take any crap are often the ones that don't eat the processed rubbish that we do. They eat decent fresh food. And spices. You are what you eat might be finally ringing true in the ears of the nation.

Something Hot in a Cold Country - Part 2 continued

Columns - Steve Regan: the King of Hull
	I wonder how Humberside police chief David Westwood is frittering away his time as he waits and waits to learn his fate after being suspended from duty pending the result of an inquiry. I rather hope that he might use this enforced rest period to take up a hobby which he once used to practise with some enthusiasm. Read more...

Columns - Tales from the Lonely Tavern - Edition Four By King Rat - Professional Yorkshireman
	How do kinsman and other lesser bein's (am only jestin' ya). August 1st on Sabbath was national Yorkshire day, by glad to say that thee rejoiced without limitations. In one day thee crossed the boundaries of North, West and Eastern Yorkshire, walked the moors, a pint a' Theakstons and consumed a well cooked piece a' rump. Read more...

Columns - Something Hot in a Cold Country - Part 1 By Jane Foster
	Well several hot spicy items have caught my attention these last few weeks. First of all I hear that the great Imran Khan has divorced his wife Jemima. Well let's face it, a name like Jemima is unforgivable at the best of times...to me it will always be associated with a rather passive, second rate Read more...

Columns - Tales from the Lonely Tavern - Edition Three By King Rat - Professional Yorkshireman
	Behold ye listeners of the righteous truth, for day has passed to night and yester folly has turned to moro's squander. If rantin's of a non-commissioned exaggerator is what thou be wantin', then thou has arrived tat right place, the lonely tavern. Sanctuary, for all those of common purpose who refuse the outside Read more...

Columns - I'd Like To Teach The World to Shut The Fuck Up By The Silver Fox
	What with Wimbledon, Euro 2004, Hell's Kitchen, Big Brother 5, and the recent healing of the lesbian storyline on Emmerdale Farm, some of you may have noticed that actual news has been a bit thin on the ground lately. Oh, I'll admit that things have happened - it's not like the international movers and Read more...

Columns - Tales from the Lonely Tavern - Edition Two By King Rat - Professional Yorkshireman
	Yet again tis what the government gave me, two score an eight hours of rest and unbridled caperings. Thou find thee and company in the homely ambience of the lonely tavern. Three men of little wit but a wisdom born of hard adventurin'. Our chatterins aim not to preach but to teach. Read more...

Columns - Poor Little Reich Kids By Silver Fox
	Much as it pains me to say it, this week has found me thinking that we may - as right-thinking people (and if you're not a right-thinking person, what the hell are you doing hanging around my information super-lay-by? Piss off over to www.you'vebeenstillborn.net where the likes of you are better Read more...

Columns - Ronald Reagan - An Apology By Silver Fox
	Let's not beat around the bush, www.catsandkittens; last week, some harsh words were said. I - in an unprecedented and regrettable lapse - allowed my integrity and even-handed, dispassionate analysis of Things As They Are to become compromised by personal opinion: there, I've said it. I admit fully that Read more...