I got married (my one and only time) in 1981. It was November and I was a college student in West Texas. My husband to be was five years older than I. He was very rugged/handsome, and a former football player in a land where football is king.
In fairness, this tale should be told with a Greek Chorus (you know, those people with white robes that say stuff like, 'Don't eat that, it's poison!' or 'Don't marry him, he's your son!').
My wedding was more of a tragedy than romance. I picture my Greek Chorus as a group of tough black women; firm, but genuinely concerned for my welfare.
Chorus: Uh oh. O.J. Simpson alert. Get out girl!
His former girlfriends were all blonde beauty queens, with huge breasts, who fawned over aggressive football players. His Mom never was fond of the parade of Playboy bunnies that her son dragged through the door, so I guess that's why she liked me. I mean a skinny little Jewish broad, what's not to love?
Chorus: Girl! Who you marryin'? Him or his Mama?
He was an ex-Marine who narrowly missed deployment to Vietnam. He was also a military trained sharpshooter, and a gun owning dude with a love of nice weed, cocaine and blondes with ginormous jugs.
Chorus: You know this ain't good.
He was a very smart guy, a good student, and our professors all thought we were such a lovely couple.
Chorus: Your professors don't know shit.
After living together for a while, his Mom began to pressure us to get married. West Texas is the golden buckle of the Bible belt, and in those days living together was frowned upon. She dreamed of being able to tell the ladies at the hair salon that her son was married.
I was a 23-year-old bookworm with a high GPA who wanted to attend medical school. Some of the subtleties of her agenda (and the whole mother/son oedipal thing) probably eluded me here. He definitely loved me more than I loved him - if any of what we called 'love' was actually the real deal. Don't ask me, I wouldn't know.
Anyway, his Mom planned this huge wedding in her hometown of Pampa in the West Texas panhandle, where all of her friends and their relatives could come witness the spectacle.
I called my parents to let them know I was to be wed. I cannot recall why my parents declined to attend. Oh yeah, they met him and thought he was a sociopath with substance addictions. I forgot that.
So anyway, we arrive in the tiny town of Pampa and prepare for this Mardi Gras meets Children of the Corn Spectacular. There are photos of my bridesmaid and me getting our hair done, me with that awful white dress. It hung like a KKK robe. And the topper was a three-tiered twelve-foot veil, long enough to double as a noose.
Chorus: Bitch! Are you getting any of this? It's a noose-veil!
So it's show time and we are all dressed up in our costumes as everyone arrives at the Baptist Church to see the skinny Jewish girl marry the hometown boy.
Chorus: Oy to the vey. Whatever. Talk to the hand...
I was resplendent in my nightrider gown and noose-veil waiting outside the doors of the chapel for my grand entrance. As the organ music started up and the doors swung open, I surveyed all those folks as their heads turned towards me. All the way up at the front, I could see my man and his parents. Finally, it all rushed in within a nanosecond: this marriage would not succeed.
Chorus: Girl, monkeys gonna fly out your skinny ass before this marriage lasts!
I stood there frozen for a few beats. The primal urge to run was strong.
But alas, as I weighed my circumstance, I feared the angry mob with flaming torches. Besides, it's hard to run with four-inch heels, garters, the long gown, and the veil cum noose thing. So I had a little internal dialogue:
'This is a fucking non-starter. His Mom will go homicidal like Charles Manson if I bail. Of course, this is her day, not mine so I guess that makes sense. It's ok. It might work out. Oh yeah, this'll work out just fine if I get a fucking lobotomy. Ok, no need to get nuts about all of this. I'll give it a shot and if I don't like it, I'll get a divorce.'
Chorus: Girlfriend, gnawing off your leg will be easier than dumping this guy.
Articles - National Recognition for thisisUll.com - Fringe Report Awards 2009 By Cilla Photographs by Carl Schofield and Mo.
Monday 9th February 2009 was a landmark date for thisisUll.com and all
its contributors. On your behalf, I had the honour of accepting the
Fringe Report 2009 award for Best Publication.
Fringe Report, under the guidance and leadership of its editor
John Park is based in London. It reviews and supports fringe theatre,
arts, independent and arthouse film, dance, performance,
Articles - What The Doctor Did Next By James Marsters
So, we all know by now that The Eleventh Doctor will be played by none other than
household name Matt Smith. Okay, okay, so maybe he's not a household name now but
what will the future hold for the 26-year old once he has hung up his sonic
screwdriver and given back the keys to the TARDIS? Judging by the other ten
actors to have played the Time Lord, it's anyone's guess.
Articles - If Hull Were Gaza, 3rd January 2009 By Martin Deane
If Hull were Gaza there would be some 384 casualties of family and friends, with about 64 dead.
These are spread across the city killed or wounded by bombs dropped or missiles fired from state-of-the-art F-16 fighter jets. (These jets, by the way, regularly overfly the city at supersonic speeds making a frightening boom through the sound barrier.
Articles - Dear Diary By Ruth
It is New Years Day 2009. I just left my hospital, the same one I trained in 18 years ago. I've only changed the names of those I like. Everyone else can screw off.
I had a lovely weekend on call. Here's a taste of my time as an intern rotating on general surgery.
The patient was a 14-year-old Hispanic female.
Articles - Last of 2008 - The Story of www.thisisUll.com By Cilla Wykes, Editor
Well it's that time of year again; time to look back, forward and then try to get the present into focus. Instead of writing a review of 2008, I'm publishing my personal history of thisisUll.com, telling my story of the 5 years we've been here ...
Throughout my life the kitchen table has been a place of immense significance.
The hub of what's going on in everybody's life. It's where problems are pondered
Articles - Confessions of a Webmaster By Mo
I'm not sure what year it was, somewhere mid winter, I had been dragged in to work as a consultant developer for Smith Barney, to work on a rather hairy problem they could not solve themselves. A reporting problem, to deliver reports on cross currency swaps, derivative products with complex accumulators outside the scope of their existing software
Articles - A Tiny Tale of Onion Rings By Ruth
The Sunday before my bowel surgery, I was sort of bummed out.
I have always been pretty thin and fit as an adult. Yeah, I was still wearing little two-piece bathing suits into my late 40's. So what? It pays to advertise... Anyway, the thought of a bigass midline incision meant the end of my two-piece days. And worse still, chemotherapy and the resulting hair loss was not a big plus.
Articles - What Do You Remember - And Where? By Tegwen Roberts
Hull University Geography Department is running a new research project on memory and landscape in Hull. We're interested in the things that Hull residents of different ages remember about their daily lives, and how these sorts of memories are attached to different parts of the modern-day city.
We think this is particularly important at the moment as the city is undergoing large-scale
Articles - David Icke - Big Brother - The Big Picture By Michelle Dee
I believe in non violent non co-operation against a system that seeks to enslave us.
Election fever has hit the Howden and Haltemprice constituency and today the 2nd July
space is at a premium in the conference room of the Willerby Manor Hotel where candidate
David Icke is holding his first press conference after deciding to run in the pending by-election.
Articles - The 'Big Brother' By-election Is Beginning To Stink, Says Candidate Icke By David Icke
Why are 'Neocons' behind the Big Brother State supporting David Davis in his 'opposition' to the Big Brother State?
Conservative Member of Parliament, Ed Vaizey came to the Haltemprice and
Howden 'Big Brother' by-election campaign to 'support' the stance that his colleague
David Davis claims to be waging against an Orwellian society.
This is very strange given Vaizey's background
Articles - The Burning Question: Can a Tribute Act Be Better Than The Real Thing? By Steve Rudd
In a word: yes. A tribute act most definitely can be better than the real thing.
Should anybody hanker after proof, then I recommend catching a show by Steve Steinman,
an extraordinary singer/ performer from the Newark area who has been wowing crowds the
world over for the best part of the past twenty years.
At the moment Steve is dividing his attention between two
Articles - The Future of Sex By Christopher Skolik
We live in a landscape of strange potential. Where attitudes and psychological states can be adopted and discarded, where mental disorders have become fashion accessories, where homosexuality and 'gay' have become separated to such an extent that to be homosexual and not subscribe to the 'gay' myth is a form of heresy.
The human body is not equipped to deal with the
Articles - Local Election Sex Shocker Special By Lee Cassanell
Yes it's that time of year folks. The leaflets have been distributed, babies have been kissed and your local politicians have been photographed with some wheel chair bound thalidomide.
Now I have nothing against people suffering from the thald, in fact I once spent a steaming evening with a short armed seductress and I found her to be both passionate and
Articles - Tibet Protests and Britain's Moral Weight By Martin Deane Green Party (01482) 471467
The news over the weekend was full of the protests in London over the Olympic torch being carried through London for the Olympics in Beijing, China. There were 37 arrests in London with China expressing disgust at such protests. The protests were for the cause of Tibet which has seen a clampdown in recent months by the Chinese occupying authorities including much brutality, wounding and a number of deaths.
Articles - Jobcentre Plus Part 4 - 'Tis a Tangled Web We Weave By Martin Nickson
I don't know how many of you have read Jared Diamond's work, but in his fine treatise
Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed, a main tenant of the gentleman's
work focuses on (perhaps I should have said 'talks about issues around') observations
that the collapse of seemingly viable, complex civilisations
Articles - Hull The Only Place In The UK Where You Do not Have A Choice. By Alan Dalgairns
I'm sitting here in my home in hull typing this article but the only way I
can send it is by email using Kingston Communications phone line supported by
Karoo broadband and this is the only town in the UK in this position... well that's
not strictly true, I could go back to dial-up and take Hull24's service or I could
start a wireless contract with any of the
Articles - Kevin Marshall's Antiques in Florida By Robert J Smithson
I was born in Hull in 1960 on Etherington road, worked on my father's barges on the
Humber from 13-18 years old, then worked for my fathers company Trinity Graphic which
used to be on Hawthorne Ave, Hessle road, until I set up Trinity Graphic USA in Sarasota Florida in 1988, and moved to a sunny Paradise.
This is my story on my association with Kevin, The Antiques Warehouse,
Articles - Kevin Marshall Antiques Warehouse By Michelle Dee
In 1984 it was called The Curio Shop - the old sign is clearly visible upstairs- and well it might have been, for the cornucopia of curious objects it housed.
A visit to an antiques warehouse may not be everyone's idea of an interesting and worthwhile morning, and if truth be told I wasn't as excited as others in our party. In fact I was even a little nervous,
Articles - That Crazy Business of Filmmaking! By Eddie Rex
That marvellous procedure of making a film is often one that drives me mad!
As director I usually find props, location, actors, camera, then edit and
distribute the film afterwards. I can always rely on myself, but when it's
someone else I often have to wait my turn. Some actors do not turn up because
they 'forgot,' others complain when I refute their suggestions, and nothing
gets done meaning I have to
Articles - Jobcentre Plus Part 3 - My First Signing By Martin Nickson
I successfully completed my claim at the dole office and guided my career
councillor through the options available to me.
After I had explained to Mike (it wasn't the original cyborg after all, alas),
what a Further Education Lecturer did, and explained the process of
qualification needed for this career, we quickly assessed his career options.
Articles - Match Day By Andy Carrington
Why is it you don't see these wankers all week, and then all of a sudden on a Saturday afternoon there they are, littered all over the centre city like they own the fucking place?
I hate football. Not that it's changed much since I was a lad. I used to watch it with my Pa all the time, even back when they had terraces. More recently though, namely the past four