Jobcentre Plus Part 4 - 'Tis a Tangled Web We Weave(3/3) By Martin Nickson

(1/3), (2/3), (3/3), Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4.

My plan is to hit them with their own weapons, namely a badly photocopied piece of paper and a letter written in excruciating Plain English. Admittedly, these are not WMD's - certain countries would be embarrassed to call this a proportionate response, and the Irish part of me fantasises about the six-pack, but I do have other things to do. Like attend an interview at the Natural History Museum. I decide therefore to delay my revenge until my next signing date, and focus on the welcome horizon of potentially being in a state of post-worklessness.

And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to the Travel to Interview Scheme(TIS). TIS is the British Government's assistance programme for people who are in a state of worklessness (on the dole) who may require financial assistance (money) perchance they happen upon an jobseekers opportunity (interview) in a far away place while receiving help and advice (signing a badly photocopied form every two weeks) from Jobcentre customer service officers (cyborgs) in returning to the workforce (being forced into a crappy minimum wage job because times up on your 28 weeks of below subsistence benefits).

Let me further introduce you to the 38 page guidelines on issuing travel warrants, the product of TIS, which can be found at: nationalarchives.gov.uk/ero/records/lab/29/781/168/ES693C06.pdf These guidelines, however, although available via the National Archives, are not generally available to any jobseeker (work shy lay-about) wishing to take advantage of this scheme. Instead, there is a buried reference on the Jobcentre Plus website - precisely one sentence, which advises a jobseeker to contact the Jobcentre if they want to know more about this scheme.

So being in the position of worklessness, and having been unexpectedly thrown a lifeline in the form of an opportunity in London, but still desperate for help I again contacted the Jobcentre this week 'for more information', and was ultimately amazed by the response. I head down to the Jobcentre for an appointment to discuss the TIS and possibly get some help with the journey (Friday train tickets in the UK from Hull to London are £125.00- God Bless privatization and its endless efficiency!)

The conduct and the outcome of the interview blow my preconceptions (and possibly future blogs) out of the water. Friendly, helpful, pleasant. Chatty, vibrant, vivacious. Encouraging, witty, devastatingly charming. Intelligent, accommodating, supportive. I'm not describing myself here, but Danielle, my human customer services officer. And 'Yes, we'll pay for the ticket. Good luck'. I am astonished by this contrast with my other encounters. What possible reason could be behind this volte-face? I'm still reeling, when Danielle, reveals all 'The best part is, if you get this job, you won't have to come here anymore'.

I clutch my travel warrant - free train ticket, yippee! - preciously, checking repeatedly that its secure about my person, like Tracy Helmick Taylor heading for a plane journey, and bicycle away to meet Nel.

I don't really care that the only time the cyborgs have been helpful is when they sense that you may no longer be a blight on New Labour's economic miracle, I'm off to London. I consider taking one of the cats and wonder if I could do a better job as mayor of London than Ken Livingstone. I also wonder whether the excelllent Mr Diamond really had to travel to Easter Island to uncover examples of civilization boggling complexity. He probably could have just signed on for the dole.

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