Jobcentre Plus Part 4 - 'Tis a Tangled Web We Weave(2/3) By Martin Nickson

(1/3), (2/3), (3/3), Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4.

Within the vicinity of MRI's, the cyborgs central processing units shut down, transistors blow and smoke issues impressively from unlikely areas. Consequently, any claim involving RA is just too much for the Jobcentre Plus to handle. The result, for me, is that when I received my badly printed Decision, it informed me that I would not qualify for dole because I had not made enough National Insurance Contributions in 2005.

RA was not mentioned. Careless of me not to have made contributions to the English National Insurance Scheme, my only excuse being that I was in Canada. I resolve to sort this mess out. I call the phone box in Ulan Bator, and, it is answered first time (!!!!!!!!!!!), by someone who sounds rather cold. Inexplicably, and demonstrating either the impressive optimism of the human spirit, or my own stupidity, my hopes soar - an answer, I anticipate.

I explain my problem - namely that I think there has been a mistake processing my claim, and it should have been reviewed under Reciprocal Agreements (RA). Silence. Then a faint crash. 'Hello, is anybody there…?' The line comes alive again with a different voice, stronger, obviously a more robust Series II model 'Hello, Claims Section Leader, can I help you?' Claims Section Leader deals with the thorny subject of RA swiftly 'We cannot answer your question, all we can do is look at your claim and tell you what decision has been made'. I venture that this is exactly the same information that the badly printed letter gave me, and if that's all she can do, there's not much point in us talking. Claims Section Leader agrees. An impasse has arisen, if impasses can arise.

This impasse may have been manufactured though. I'm really hesitant now, but I enquire, doggedly, if I can talk to anyone who can give me any information at all? (Hope, by the way, has now buggered off to join Time, who is sunning herself on a beach (the place Time usually retreats to when it realises you are wasting its sole saleable commodity).) Claims Section Leader reluctantly informs me that it can pass my enquiry onto Decisions Sections Leader. These are the units that made the Decision. Can I telephone them myself? No, that's not allowed. Decisions call you, the customer. Usually within 24 hours. So, I pass my phone number on to Claims Section Leader, who suddenly becomes human and chimes 'Good luck with that!'

At first, like a sixteen year old prospective 'datee', I check the answering machine every single time I return to the apartment, even if I've only been to the laundry room - our on-going battle with Steven Hall, (neighbour, and author of the excellent novel Raw Shark Texts) to obtain washing machine time from the solitary, broken machine in these apartments, is the stuff of legend and possible subject of another tale. As the days go on, I check the phone's connections, check the batteries, call the Talking Clock (a British Institution, occasionally the subject of ferocious debate in Parliament) to make sure the phone is working, but five days later, Decisions still have not called. Like my putative datee, I'm embarrassed and annoyed. And like my sixteen year old, I plan my revenge.

Continued .... Next Page (3/3)

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