Lets Talk 'Bout Eugenics, Kids By Sally Satan

My long-held prediction that shit American films would rule the world may have finally come true. I mean, I always thought these 'innocent' Disney flicks contained secret totalitarian messages, but hell - it sounds like someone's taken Honey I Shrunk The Kids a bit too seriously... This week, a profoundly disabled teenage girl in America has been deliberately kept in a stunted pre-pubescent state in order for her parents and other carers to 'look after her more easily'. Wow, how convenient - they'll be able to stuff her endlessly with Big Macs and shakes so they don't have to cook, and guess what! She stays widdle teeny tiny so they don't have to be bogged down with the additional hassle of suing MuckDonalds for making her reach 20 stone!!

I feel this is only the tip of the iceberg. How about some other ideas to make life a lot easier or more enjoyable, if we applied similar methods of drastic body modification to the rest of the human race? For example. Women. What can be done to improve them? Well, I'm reminded of the good old Aussie joke : Q:What makes the perfect Sheila? A: Someone who's 4 feet tall with no teeth and a flat head to rest your beer on. But hold your horses, Germaine Greer (and no I'm not talking about your mate Janet Street Walker). This goes for men too.

I heard that a woman's ideal man would be 'someone who can breathe through his ears and has a 2 foot long tongue'. Which calls another joke to mind: Q: How does a Frenchwoman hold her liquor? A: By his ears.

Well, that's the fairer and the hairier sex issue dealt with. Now it's the turn of those pink screaming things - what are they called again...ah! children. Well, that's easy - simply create them sealed at both ends. No mess, no noise. Ever again. And lastly, old people. They'd get the same treatment as the latter - the bottom end sealed for much the same reasons, the top end to stop them endlessly prattling on about the war and how many sherbert dips you could get for ha'penny back in them days.... Ah, where's the great Fuhrer when you need him?

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