I Want To Be a Megalomaniac But Haven't Got The Confidence By Andrea Longstaff

I've decided that I'm going to jump onto the current bandwagon and devise a new and improved fitness and relaxation programme. I'm going to call this regime pilokga (pronounced piloogar). It's a combination of Pilates, knitting machine maintenance and yoga. Well I have been attending a yoga class for a couple of years now. I've also watched a Pilates DVD and I've read a couple of chapters of the B.K.S. Iyengar book Light on Life so as far as I'm concerned this makes me something of an expert.

I'll rent a room and concentrate on chanting, I'll instruct the class to repeat over and over again how wonderful I am and charge an extortionate amount of money for a personal mantra for each individual. Um-pa-lum-pa is one interpretation of the illumination of the primordial sun that springs to mind...

I'm also well 'in' with the celebrities, a definite prerequisite for any new fitness regime. Well... when I was five years of age I was over in Leeds for the day with my mum and David Bowie passed by us in his car. I don't actually have any recollection of this event but my mother says to me on a relatively regular basis, "Don't you remember that day when David Bowie went by us in his open topped car!?" No I don't! My mother doesn't usually remember what she's had for breakfast most days and I'm supposed to remember a non event from when I was five! For fucks sake! Also I've met Jo Brand and I once caught a glimpse of Roland Gift on Princes Avenue.

I shall instruct the students to throw rose petals at my feet as I enter and leave the room. I'm unsure as to which colour I'd like the rose petals to be but I think I'll leave that one up to the students to decide as I don't want people thinking that I'm too full of myself. I will sit and read during the chanting but not the New Scientist because for some unknown reason Tesco have stopped selling this magazine. Not that I've ever actually purchased a copy but I would often sit on the floor and read through it if there was a decent article inside, as a prelude to my shopping, and nobody has ever come over to me and said, "This isn't a library you know!" Tesco now stocks a piece of shit entitled Scientific American don't even look at the cover!

So.......in a flat monotone, repeat after me "I am the god of hell fire."

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