My Self Harm contd

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On that occasion I remember the pain of them inside my tummy was too much after about sixty or so tablets. I sought help by ringing for an ambulance that took me to the hospital, I told no one where I was and for two and a half days just disappeared whilst I was treated for a drug overdose. There were times after that when I took all my sleeping tablets to the same effect. I was in a state. The cutting continued to such an extent that I was admitted into casualty so regularly that the questions asked by the nurses there became so familiar I would reel them off by rote.

Once I remember going in to casualty after slashing up my arms yet again with a razor blade concealed on my person. They patched me up and prepared to discharge me, so I went to the loos and started cutting all over again. I was stopped by a nurse coming to see where I was. Eventually I was sent home to face another brief period of self-harm free life. The last time I cut my flesh I attacked my genital region slashing madly after having made a few deep practice cuts on my right leg. I bled on to the carpet and wrote some more things in blood, which were supposed to make people understand why. I think I was suffering from an extreme form of repressed anger, rejection and an overwhelming sense of helplessness. My last act of self-harm was another overdose. I made what I thought was a serious attempt to end my life last year. In reality I was suffering from post-operative depression and withdrawal from strong painkillers. I took as many of the strong painkillers during a period of about two hours. I remember in the middle of that time I had to go down stairs to get a larger glass because it was taking more and more water to get the things down.

Again the excruciating pain came, as I slowly poisoned my body. When the ambulance arrived- yes, I sought help again when I couldn't bear the pain any longer; I was doubled up and could hardly move. I lost everything that day, my home, my self-respect, a good friend; and a future that I might have enjoyed. Since that day I have felt the urge to self harm strongly and have spent many hours in a black hole with my little black cloud hanging over me.

I have not, however self-harmed, a fact I feel strange about. I feel I might have somehow betrayed my self for not doing so. I don't want to face the stigma attached and the shaming scars, which I will have to hide from everybody for the rest of my life. How do I avoid self-harming I don't know.

I think not self-harming is harmful in itself, because it is a form of repressing a behaviour. Another outlet is needed, a different way to feel those feelings of relief; of escaping away from the pain that you can't mend. I believe self-harm behaviour can become addictive, either because of the attention it inevitably brings, the supposed glamour of the tortured individual. My self-harming became habitual, as a way to try and outwardly show my pain in the hope that someone would rescue me, nurse me, love me. I didn't see any other way to reach out and convey my extreme feelings of distress.

The worst thing about those hospital visits was the dreadful knowledge that the care and nurturing would all cease; you would in a matter of hours be left alone staring at your bandages and the four walls. Alone and desperate once more. There should be more help for habitual self-harmers from the medical profession. I know I will always be a self-harmer in the same way an alcoholic is always an alcoholic.

I have to face that every time I feel those demons scratching at my soul. I will make every effort not to let them in but not because it benefits me but because then I won't have to face the guilt and shame from all those who find out about it.

I have written this account of my own self-harm behaviour in an effort to try and help me think more about the whys and wherefores but also as an attempt to reach out to others who may be living with these kinds of thoughts and behaviours. To let you know it can be good to talk about them but also to be aware that surrounding yourself with others who self-harm can lead to increased levels of your own self-harm.

I am now left facing the question what are we supposed to do if talking to others who self-harm is a wrong course of action? I still believe that the only way to fully understand the behaviour is to be open and frank about it, so I will continue to discuss it.

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