About Crazy Shit (3/3) By Joe Hakim

(1/3), (2/3), (3/3).

The device itself is like a long tube with a sealed flat end, with a domed end where you put the pot. D puts a flame to the gear and extends the tube, sucking the smoke into it. He takes the lid off, and I inhale the smoke, collapsing the tube. I exhale and H hands me a bottle of Grolsch. I take a long swig to cool my throat. Jeezus, I say, my head obscured by smoke. We sit and talk about stuff. Work, sex, drugs, money, films and television, music, a dabble of news, rounded off with the most important subject in anyone's discussion: us/me/you/them. We get onto past jobs. D tells us about his time working for a drain cleaning company.

I'm rolling a joint. H is laid on her bed. D continues to prepare the Bukkets. You see some crazy shit working for a firm like that, crazy shit in all senses of the word, he says. This one time, we had to clear a drain at this block of council flats. One of the lads who lived there was this total annoying cunt. He kept asking us over and over, What's blocking it? Can you tell which flat is responsible? I need to know, I have to tell the council, every two minutes.

D extends the Bukket, inhales, coughs and then exhales before carrying on with his story: Fuck (Coughs) anyway, my gaffer says, Fuck this, I've got a plan, and he grabs this carrier from the van, I think it was a Netto's one, and he fills it full of shit. That's all the blockage was, mounds and mounds of clogged up shit. So he scoops all this shit into a bag, and he takes it to this kid's front door and knocks on it.

The kid answers and my gaffer holds up this bag of shit and says, Here's what caused the blockage. What you need to do is take it into the council office and they'll do a DNA test. Then they can find out who blocked the drains, and they can charge them for the call-out, and this kid takes the bag off him. Fuckin' unbelievable... I'm already laughing, wheezing, crying. So anyway, we forget about it, and then a couple of days later one of the suits from work comes up to us and says, We just had a call from the council office, some guy's just taken a bag of shit in to be DNA tested, do you fellas know anything about it? and I was just fuckin' dyin', laughin', and me gaffer just says, No, don't know nowt about it, cool as you like.

The thing I can't get over is the fact that not only did this guy take it in, he waited until the next day to go. If you think about it, he must have had this bag of shit sat in his kitchen all night. We're all laughing now, and it's good, it feels good to laugh. After a while, we forget what we're laughing about, but we carry on regardless. Outside, the sun is coming up, and people are getting up and getting ready to go to work.

Articles - Hull's Beauty By DJ Chris Plant

	I decided to take a look at Hull's brand new Beauty Clinic and Hair Salon, BeautyMed and A Cut Above (having heard very good things about them both). I needed the makeover too. BeautyMed is a new clinic situated at Suite 2, 173 Ferensway, Hull (Opposite the railway station). Read more...

Articles - Rock and Roll Tales (Elvis and Me) By Denis Price

	'Go on!'urged Jim, 'Tell him where you saw Elvis'. Wednesday was quiz night at the Corner House and by the time Pete the landlord called for the intermission our team was well .. er .. stimulated and to prove it was well involved with our rivals in a discussion centring on Elvis Read more...

Articles - A SAD DAY (John Peel) by Michelle Dee

	I just got a call from my best friend that has shocked me deeply. So many things flood the mind; first, the disbelief; then the regret of never actually writing to him; of never getting round to sending that CD of some obscure band that you felt sure he'd love. Then guilt follows, knowing that you haven't listened to his rich voice Read more...

Articles - Going Through Doors By Joe Hakim

	My mate from work rings me up and asks me if I want to go out, so I say, Fuck it, why not? I hate going round town, but I've had more nights out over the last few weeks than I've had in ages. I can feel myself de-evolving into something less, yet something more. Somebody stop me. Read more...

Articles - Iraq By Andy Dykes

	So it happened. After weeks of waiting, and a short lived escape, Ken Bigley was finally pinned down and felt the blade of a knife against his neck. It was as close to inevitable as anything could be, given the recent trend for sacrificing hostages in Iraq. But it brought the atrocious nature of Read more...

Articles - No Text Please, We're British By Andrea Longstaff

	What with the advent of the mobile phone. It really is no good for spelling and it seems to be breeding new illnesses. Not to mention we're all gonna be a nation of illiterates with repetitive strain injury! There's sleeping text, this is very similar to sleep walking. You awake in the morning Read more...

Articles - Things To Do Before You're 30 Part 6 By Sarah Tomlinson

	You know, I just got home from watching that new film Wimbledon and I can only think one sentence. Over and over again, and its really bugging me. I'm getting sick of waiting. But I am, I am getting sick of waiting, sick of waiting for my Peter Colt (Paul Bettany Read more...

Articles - Unfinished Theories By Andrea Longstaff

	Angus, my guitar hero but.......... I do think the Aussie guitarist Angus Young is getting a bit long in the tooth for the school boy uniform. I reckon Angus is a big Krankie's fan and he wears this uniform in tribute to the little munchkin, Jeanette Krankie. When AC/DC where belting out Highway to Hell Read more...

Articles - FEAST...From Arthur Woods

	Food Education and Social Transition(FEAST) Do you know how to cleanse your body from the inside? Do you know when the liver is most active and does not want you to eat? Do you know what makes acid in the body? Or alkali? What makes a healthy balance of the two? Read more...

Articles - Big Screens, Beslan and the Bus Home By Joe Hakim

	I decide to go into town to buy a CD and a magazine. As I'm leaving Whitefriargate I bump into a mate that I haven't seen in ages. We talk for a bit, all the 'Hey, how the fuck are you, yer bastard,' shit, and then we decide to go and have a couple of cheeky pints. Read more...

Articles - Has It Only Been A Year? (A Personal History of thisisUll.com) By Rich Mills

	Well in actual fact it's been just over a year, but the title of this piece was long enough without starting to split hairs on the timing of this piece not coinciding with the actual anniversary of thisisUll.com. Now I'm proud to say I was there at the Read more...

Articles - Made In Hull - Part Four - Schooldays By Maurice Fairfield

	My first day at school is still vivid in a misty sort of way. We were all given a little child-sized blackboard, with a tiny blackboard eraser and some chalk. So far so good. Unfortunately I thought it was mine and when they wanted it back they had to take it by brute force. The blackboard was Read more...

Articles - Peoples of Olde England (the North/South divide) - a declaration of war By The King Rat

	Since the dawn of time before English folk focussed their anger on immigrants and the sharp decline of Only Fools and Horses, we whiled away the hours hating anyone and everyone. We hated our families, our neighbours, our fellow townspeople. We hated people on TV, successful people Read more...