More Famous Than Christmas (2/3) By Jim Higo

(1/3), (2/3), (3/3).

The Norse were also the first to use a pine tree as a symbol of the festival and this was a forerunner of the Christmas tree. It was known as the Yule log which is a tradition still repeated today in most households soon after the sherry trifle. In Egypt, peasant workers would get wrecked and break into the pyramids to have it off or photocopy their arses and send them to the Pharaoh. And in the Orkneys at the Maes Howe burial chamber, they found the fossil of a half eaten chocolate orange.

It wasn't until the 4th Century that Christians, seeing that the pagans were having a right old knees up every December, decided that they wanted a bit of the action. It was only then that they decided that in fact, they'd got it wrong, Jesus wasn't born in October as they'd first thought, but in December, and this was what the pagans should be celebrating. Scholars of the Christian scriptures all confirm that there is nothing to suggest that Jesus was born on 25 December and that the October date was most probable and as a non believer I am willing to swallow my principles and pursue this if it means a couple of days off work in autumn as well.

The actual dates of the birth are difficult to establish for two reasons. One, the whole thing is fictitious and two, it's very difficult to ascertain when an immaculate conception takes place. It's not like the real thing, which in my experience can take any where between 30 seconds and 2 minutes, and I can't help but feel that poor old Mary was hard done by. She had all of the pain and none of the pleasure. I also can't believe how gullible Joseph must have been to fall for the old immaculate conception line.

My theory is that Mary was out in down town Jerusalem one night and had one too many red wines; and God being omnipotent spotted this and took advantage.

Had this happened today, Joseph would have had Mary straight down the clinic for a DNA paternity test, and then having established the truth would have gone straight round to God's place and given him a good kicking and told him he was welcome to the cheating slapper. They were simpler times though, and Joseph was willing to bring up another man's child on his meagre carpenter's wages, which is all credit to him. God however comes out of this in a much poorer light. Not only is he responsible for getting another man's wife pregnant, but also I have scoured the bible and nowhere is there any mention of God making Child Support payments. (Although it's only 2000 years ago so maybe the CSA haven't got around to him yet).

So the Christians are merely gatecrashers at our pagan party and the Nativity, the wise men and the shepherds are all just figments of the imagination of some 4th Century spin doctor. On the other hand the hard-line Christians, who never fail to amuse, are promoting the boycott of the Yuletide festivities on the basis that they are a manifestation of the Antichrist. Conveniently ignoring the fact that the Christian movement has spent the last 1500 years convincing us that the festival belonged to them, they now want us to believe that it is the work of the devil.

Continued.... Next Page (3/3).

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