The Garden - 29th May 2003 By Nadie

We sit together in the warm afternoon sun. The garden is in full bloom, she has worked so hard on this garden, planting and digging, it's a beautiful sight, full of colour.

She turns to me and says ' I want to be here to watch my plants grow'. I reach for her hand and squeeze it, ' I know, I know you do'. It seems so unreal to sit there and talk of death, of plans for her funeral. How many times have we sat in that garden and talked about life, about children, we have laughed and watched our children grow.

Now she sits beside me, a shadow of herself, wearing the pink cap I bought for her, hiding the hair loss from the radiation treatment. She shakes and gets confused, telling me the same things over and over as if it's the first time because she can't remember she just told me that. My heart aches and I hold back the tears as she asks me for reassurance, I try to give it without lying to her, but it's hard, she is so ill but yet she talks of going on holiday soon, when she is better. We both know really that she is not going to get better, but for her sake I keep up the pretence. I love her so much, she has been everything to me, sister, mother, best friend, now I feel as if she is my child and I want to protect her and hold onto her.

The birds are singing and the air is full of the aroma of the flowers, she wants to go indoors, she has had enough. I hold onto her as she tries to walk, very, very slowly we make our way indoors, she leans on me and sways, she can't keep her balance, I hold her tight and we eventually get to the step. I think I'm going to have to lift her, but we manage together holding on, we get her in, she falls asleep immediately as soon as she is on the sofa.

I look at her and my heart is breaking, don't leave me, don't go - yet I know the time is running towards us, she slips away more everyday. I look back into the garden and I wonder how the world can be so beautiful and yet so ugly all at the same time .....

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