Sunset of the Cigarette By Lee Cassanell

It's a funny old game Jimmy Greaves (Legendary English football striker) So let me get this correct and clear.

The Israelis are bulldozing Palestinian Nursery schools, bald men are getting decapitated by Muslim Radicals, American soldiers are beating and sodomising Iraqi prisoners, The Pope (God's representative on Earth ™) is half dead and drooling at the mouth, the mentally disabled are being sent to the gas chambers in Texas, the average price for a house in Britain is two hundred thousand pounds, there's a murder every 30 minutes in south Africa.

Suicide bombers are stuffing sticks of dynamite down their pants and blowing themselves up in Jerusalem, domestic violence is increasing, the ozone layer's decreasing, AIDS is wiping out third world countries, George Bush is a Lesbian; Tony Blair has a £2000 a week Heroin addiction, Martine McCutcheon has Cellulite, Britney Spears fancies Charlie from Busted, Ben Hur is the president of the National Rifle Association, The Terminator is the governor of California, and a great big god damn asteroid is going to hit the earth and wipe us all out for forever.

To quote Bill Hicks: Not a time to quit smoking kids But hey what do you care, you haven't got time to concern yourself with such trivial matters, you've got to work and earn money, get down to the gym for an hour or so to pump some Iron before going back home for a low Carbohydrate meal and a glass of two-for-a-fiver wine.

Then there's Coronation Street and Eastenders to watch followed by a Hollywood movie you've already seen twice. By then it's getting on for bedtime so it's a quick fumble in front of broadband speed Internet pornography or an even quicker fumble with the person you're sharing your hammock with that particular evening. After that it's brush your teeth, lights out, let's do it all again tomorrow. Ha..Maybe a bizarre twist of fate but Dire Straits Walk of life has just come on the radio and even though I think the title does relate in some way to what I've just said it doesn't alter the fact all copies of that song should be melted down and never discussed again.

The worlds an insane place to live, it always has been from day one when some higher power created it for their own personal amusement. I'm convinced that if God does exist he's either: A) Laughing his ass off B) Dead C) Severely paralysed and unable to perform simple tasks

It's got to be one of three and if I was a betting man I'd put my money on option A every single time. I reckon he's sat naked up in Valhalla stoned out of his halo chewing king-size Mars bars and swigging Budweiser, occasionally tearing his gaze away from the ladies changing rooms in GAP to point and chuckle at the silly monkeys that make up the Human race. He's a jester, a comedian who laughs at his own jokes, and in the words of Frank Butcher: I reckon he needs a dry slap or at the very least a jolly good ticking off.

It is possible he's dead I suppose. Maybe the Devil did a Jesse James and shot the big man in the back while he was distracted by David Beckham rutting his Mistress like a rabbit on speed If the Prince of Darkness is running the show nowadays I'd like to be the first to congratulate his successful military coup and I hope that one of his first acts as King of the universe is to cast all these anti-smoking campaigners into the fiery pits of hell were they will be forced to suck nicotine lollypops from now until the rapture.

Jeez Louise, how can you ban smoking from Pubs? People go to those places to drink booze and smoke cigarettes. If you don't like the fumes get out of the bar, open your own pollution free café complete with a small rainforest and an ultra efficient air purifier. I'm not against that - I completely agree there should be more of these smoke free establishments. That way, come the day of the Revolution, I will know which buildings to loot and firebomb first. Every professional smoker in the cosmos is fully aware that cigarettes cause cancer, heart attacks and coffee cravings but we run the risk. Life's a gamble and we're prepared to play the odds and sod the consequences so why don't all you nosey self righteous sonsofbitches just go away and leave us yellow fingered fellows to die of black lung in peace. It's none of your bloody business anyway

As for final option C, (God is severely paralysed and unable to perform simple tasks) as far as I can fathom only one scenario exists in which that statement could be true. God is Steven Hawking. Actually, now that I think about it that makes a whole lot of sense.

If you've ever read Steven Hawking's The Brief History of Time you will know that it does bear an uncanny resemblance to the Gideon Jazz magazine we affectionately call the bible in the sense that after ploughing the first four chapters of either book you begin to suspect that the author is just making it up as he goes along.

Maybe the Electronic voice that Mr Hawking speaks with is in fact the voice of God and he's using this man of limited mobility as a kind of clairvoyant channel in order to pass his monotone messages to the rest of mankind.

Maybe God was in such a fit of hysterics when he saw 10 million people tune into the interview with David Beckham's mistress that he never saw the Devil sneak up behind him. The devil machined gunned God in the back, buried him in an unmarked grave on Saddleworth moor and now Beelzebub is using Steven Hawking as a mystic puppet in order to relay his dark and evil messages to the rest of mankind Yep, I think that's a water- tight theory and I'll box the ears of anyone who say's otherwise.

Time to go now, I've got less important things to do and you've left the gas on. Before I wander off into the night I'd like to take this opportunity to enlighten a few of the more ridiculous individuals who reside in our wonderful global community.

Maxine Carr never killed anyone. It was proven in court that she had no knowledge of the terrible things Ian Huntley did to those two Soham schoolgirls. She was in Grimsby at the time the murders took place and she's got the photographs and witnesses to prove this. She will spend the rest of her days with a different name and a different face constantly looking over her shoulder in fear for her life. I'm thinking maybe we should all just cut the poor cow some slack and let her get on with it. Until next time then, thanks for reading Adios

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