Exclusive Feature Serial on www.thisisUll.com My Pregnancy - Part One by Heidi Boldock

Today is the 3rd October 2003 and I am writing this while off work. I must admit to not feeling on top of the world as you would think I probably should be. After all, I am going to be having my first, much wanted, baby in just under six months time. If you are reading this and know either Nick or I then you will be aware that trying for this baby has been a long and sometimes depressing experience. We were just about to embark upon a form of fertility treatment when we found out the good news. So, to that then. Friday 12th September 2003.

I had been feeling a little unwell for a couple of weeks, sickness in the morning, off cigarettes and alcohol. "OBVIOUS!" you will probably be saying, especially taking into account a distinct lack of the monthlies. I, however, have a condition known as Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and so have never had a particularly regular cycle. Add to this the pact I had made with myself, and to some extent Nick, that I would not get my hopes up every month just to have them smashed into pieces; and you will see why the possibility of a pregnancy just never occurred to me.

So, there I was at work feeling decidedly unwell and a colleague suggested that I go home and do a "test". As I made my way home I thought about this and had decided that today was not the day to have my hopes dashed again, when I passed the chemist and thought "Oh, what the hell". I'd coped with disappointment before and would do so again. In the end I drove to another shop where I know from experience that the tests are cheaper, partly to give myself more thinking time.

When I got into the shop and saw the tests I noticed a row of teddy bears nearby. On impulse I picked one up and decided that this was going to be my baby's first teddy. Once back in the car and driving home I pondered how ridiculous this buy was and scolded myself for once again getting excited about the prospect of me becoming a mother. When I arrived home I felt in such a state and could hardly get the key into the door. "Calm down" became a mantra as I did the deed and waited for the results.

It took five minutes for the results window to register a positive or negative sign and these five minutes seemed to take forever. I had sat on many occasions doing this and the end result had always been the same. Nick trying to comfort his crying, snotty wife.

I decided to wait downstairs feeling as sick I have ever done in my life and after five minutes I looked at the test. I saw that there were two lines in the window and my first thought was disappointment. Then I looked at the instruction leaflet and saw that two lines meant a positive result. I began to shake and could not believe what I was seeing. I must have checked the instructions a further fifteen or so times before I decided to ring Nick at work. I really wanted to drive to tell him in person but it was hard enough holding the phone steady, so this was more sensible. One of his colleagues answered the phone and said that he was out on his lunch. What was I going to do? I needed to tell someone, as if doing so would make it real. I plumped for ringing my mum as I thought that in the circumstances Nick would not mind her knowing before him. I rang her at the hospital as she was visiting my Grandad and when she came to the phone I said, "There are two lines mum, there are two lines". She had no idea what her crazy daughter was talking about and so I had to explain. Of course she was over the moon. After I had spoken to her I tried to contact Nick again. Still at lunch, would be back in fifteen minutes. The time it took him to ring me lasted for hours, or so it seemed. I paced the length of our house over and over, clutching the teddy bear I had bought earlier. The only time I stopped pacing was to look at the test to make sure it hadn't changed. Eventually he rang back and I tried to keep my voice steady, and slow my breathing, which was close to hyperventilation by this point.

"Nick, I did a test and it was positive" I told him. Silence at the other end as he took it in then: "Are you sure?" He was trying to keep calm so as not to alert anyone at work but I heard the excitement in his voice. He asked me to do another one just to make sure and I said that I would. I needed to do this for myself anyway as I had started to disbelieve the original test. I bought another one and went to my sister's work to do it there. As it happened my Dad was there as well which was unexpected, but nice. Sure enough this one also said that there was a baby inside me, and I could really start to get excited. I phoned Nick again and told him that I would pick him up from work so we could go and tell his Mum. continued below..

My Pregnancy - Part One continued by Heidi Boldock

Waiting to see him was kind of nerve-wracking as although we had both wanted this for such a long time I needed to see the happiness on his face to tell me everything was going to be okay. He looked dazed when I first saw him which was pretty much how we were both to feel for the next few days. We couldn't believe that it had happened, firstly without any interference from medical means and, well, that it had happened at all really! On the way to see Nick's Mum we stopped off to see my Grandad who had just come out of hospital. In a lot of ways the timing of this baby couldn't be any better. My Grandad has recently been diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease and is quite poorly. Telling him about our baby made his face light up and gave me a great sense of satisfaction that no matter how long he has left with us he knows about his second great-grandchild (my sister Helen has a little boy, Joshua). Nick's Mum did not seem as excited by our news as I had expected her to be. Like us she found it a complete shock, albeit a fantastic one. It was not until a couple of days later, when we spoke on the phone that she really seemed to have taken it in. Later on we spoke to Nick's Dad who lives in Ramsgate. At times like this he seems very far away but I'm sure this will not stop him visiting lots once the baby is here. He sounded extremely emotional as we spoke to him and his parting comment was that he would start looking at presents to buy his "grandson".

The weekend was rather surreal, spent waiting for Monday when I could go to the doctors and arrange for a scan at the hospital. This had been suggested by the consultant at the fertility unit just three weeks earlier, in the event of me getting pregnant. At that time it seemed a distant and possibly unachievable thing. The scan was to check that everything was as it should be and neither of us felt very relaxed until the time came. We went to the new Women & Children's Hospital next to H.R.I. on Tuesday morning, first thing. I felt very nauseous and eventually had to sit in a side room for some privacy. I was embarrassed about this but, as Nick pointed out, the waiting room was full of pregnant women, some of whom would be feeling just the same. Sure enough, we later had to vacate the room for another couple.

After we had spoken to one of the nurses and I'd had some blood taken we were ready to go in for the ultrasound scan. I must admit now that the whole experience was a bit of a blur. For a start we were to learn that the pregnancy was much further along than expected. I lay there waiting for our baby to appear on the screen and all I really expected to see was a tiny blob (we had estimated that I was possibly 4-5 weeks gone at most). So when we saw what looked essentially like a baby, we were shocked. The nurse immediately said that I was at least ten weeks and then once she had measured the baby she said that I was in fact eleven weeks and two days. The due date would be 04/04/04. So then a little bit of panic set in. We would only have until April to get ourselves ready for the new arrival.

Before the scan was finished the nurse showed us more of our baby - legs, arms, face. I was convinced that I could make out his/her eyes and ears but this may have been wishful thinking. We also saw the heart beating strongly and I felt close to tears during much of the process. We were given a photo of the scan to take home and neither of us could stop looking at it. It all felt wonderfully real on the drive home, looking at the photograph of our baby and laughing at how fantastic life could be. to be continued on www.thisisull.com......

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