My New Boss By Joe Hakim

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My new boss is a Nazi pig-fucker from Hell. There, I've said it. Just writing it and then re-reading it is enough to make me feel immeasurably better about my work related predicament.

My current job involves working with the general public, a vague term at best. Let's just say that I regularly have to deal with the pissed up weekend masses, of which I, myself, once was a fully paid up member of.

In any kind of service or retail job, the main rule is: The customer is always right, but in my experience I've found that - without exception - the customer is always full of fucking shit. And that's without trying to sound bitter. And this place I'm at now, it's like working in a pressure cooker. From now on I'll refer to my company as The Company. Jeezus..my company, what am I on about? They even manage to indoctrinate you when you're not looking.

So I've been working at this place for a while now. It's one of the longest periods that I've held down a job, in fact. The nature of the modern work ethic means that there's no such thing as a job for life, and I'm even starting to think that the whole idea of finding a job for life is a myth. Everything's geared towards temporary and short-term work. It's the age of the agency. Fuck career prospects. You just do shit so you can pay the bills and buy stuff that makes you feel better at having to do shit in the first place. Working for The Company has its fair share of highs and lows, just like most jobs. It just happens that the lows are massive, yawning chasms, and the highs aren't even worth mentioning. Most people quit within their first few weeks, and everybody quits eventually. The Company has a staff turnover that's on a par with the Marie Celeste's.

The staff room resembles a scene from a corny Hollywood war film, where one of the soldiers turns to the newbie and says, Buddy, take my advice: Don't make friends with anybody, y'hear? Coz sooner or later they go and get themselves shot.. And then, of course, they become friends and one of them has to go through horror of seeing the other one cut down by hail of bullets and shrapnel.. Well, when I say The Company's like that, I don't mean that I see people get blown up and stuff, it's not like that. You get the drift.

I have always been able to function in highly stressful situations, so until recently, the job just didn't bother me all that much. I am a master of Brinkmanship, and if I'm honest about it, I only seem to work well when there's a hideous amount of external pressure. I find that not taking anything in the least bit seriously is the best solution to most of life's challenges, including vocational ones. Saying that, I'm not an idiot, so I can pick most things up easily enough, and I'm always good at what I do, so I usually get left alone to do whatever the hell it is I'm supposed to be doing at the time.

I worked part time in a video shop while I was at college, and I was the best fucking customer sales representative they'd ever seen. I took it upon myself to use all my Free video vouchers and watch a shed load of films. If a customer asked me whether a certain film was any good or not, I could usually say with conviction and sincerity, I'm tellin' yer, it's an absolute pile of cack, mate..

Anyway, I digress. The senior members of staff and management at The Company have been adopting the revolving door policy lately. There have been some major upheavals and replacements, and the plebs that live at the bottom of The Company food chain (like myself) are left in a permanent state of confusion. I cannot imagine continuing to work in this current industry for decades, so being managed by people that have is an interesting experience, mainly because they're all fucking nuts. Believe me, I've seen grown men suddenly flip out, cry like babies, and then fly off into Hulk-like rampages in right in front of the customers. Recently, a new general manager was appointed. His predecessor had gone through an extremely fierce - and visible - mid-life crisis, which ended with his dismissal from The Company. He had shacked up with a young female member of staff, a girl not all that much older than his daughter and he had also developed a huge cocaine habit.

One day I turned up for work and it was announced that both he and his girlfriend no longer worked for The Company. And that was that - it was like they never existed. The other managers could hardly contain their excitement; they removed his name from the door and then had his name removed from all of The Company stationary within a couple of days. If they'd been allowed to put flags out on the roof, I'm sure that they would have. Ah, those fun-filled few weeks with no fixed authority. I almost didn't mind turning up for work during that period.

And now, the replacement has arrived. The minute he arrived, I realised that I was fucked. He's set about changing everything, even petty things, and he has the whole my way or the highway rhetoric down pat. I've arrived late three times the entire period that I've worked for The Company. And each time I've rung in advance to apologise and explain. It's never been an issue before, but now, suddenly, it's enough to earn me a final written warning. Bastard..

Continued .. Next Page

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