Going Through Doors (2/3) By Joe Hakim

(1/3), (2/3), (3/3)

'What?' I ask. 'All I'm suggesting, is let's just go somewhere where we can have a few beers and pay some bird to get nekked for our own shallow entertainment, just because we can. I mean, Jeezus, yer always on about wanting to write about shit that's going on in Hull. Write about shit like this. And yer might just get to see a bit of tit as well,' my mate says. 'Fuck that,' Sean Tall says. 'I'm off to Waterfront. I aren't arsed about all that stripper shite. I'd rather get knocked back by a bird through genuine effort.'

'Well, whatever,' my mate says. If I were Prime Minister right now, I would support the war in Iraq. Shit, I'd support a war anywhere. My mate from work and I arrive at Purple Door. Sean Tall and his friends have gone to Waterfront, so there's just the two of us. The on-the-door deal with the flyers to attract all the Friday night stragglers seems to have been successful, so the place is quite full. I instantly feel sleazy, yet I also begin to bathe in the sensation almost immediately. My mate and I go and get a beer and then try to find a seat. Lap dancing clubs are, by their very nature chintzy, cheesy places. I have only been to one once before, and that was a case of fortunate accident. It was around the time when Zebra first opened. I was out drinking with a couple of friends and I bumped into one of my managers on his way into the club. He knew that I knew that he was supposed to be on duty, so he arranged free entrance and a drink and a lap dance for my colleagues and I so we would be deliberately vague about whom we'd seen on that particular evening, and where we'd seen them.

But this was different; this time, I had made a conscious decision to enter a club like this. We walk past the centre stage. A brunette in a silver dress slides up and down a pole, hanging upside down and clutching her breasts. 'I used to manufacture them poles,' my mate says. 'No shit?'

'Yeah, you have to cut 'em to size, galvanize 'em, polish 'em up,' he says. 'And then you insert an inner pole for the other one to revolve around.' We sit in the corner. Girls are doing the rounds, sitting on the laps of the various types that have come here, striking up conversations and bargains. The full spectrum of the modern male is present, all the kind of guys that are currently living in Hull right now, at this point in time. The Middle-aged businessmen with mortgages and marriages. The overweight townies that just can't settle down. The young students out for a laugh and the lash. The wannabe gangstas with too much money to spend that they earned from Godknowswhere.

It's not long before we're approached. She's really young. Blonde. Red dress. Petite. 'I'm Hazel' she says, sitting down. 'Alright,' my mate from work says. 'How are you? 'I'm good,' she says. 'How are you guys?' 'We're good, we're having a great night,' my mate from work says. I don't say anything. 'Are you okay?' Hazel asks me. There's a long pause, and then I say, 'I'm sorry, it's not you, but I can't help but feeling that I'm a bit fuckin' sad, y'know?'

She laughs. And then my mate from work laughs. 'You probably hear it all the time, but I feel like a bit of fuckin' perv or something, just by being here.' 'I'm guessing that you've never been in a club like this before,' she says. 'Pretty much,' I say. 'Just try and chill out,' she says. 'You don't have to worry that I'm being exploited or anything stupid like that. I'm not being held here against my will. I'm a student actually.' 'Oh yeah?' my mate from work says. 'Yeah. They've brought a few of us over from the Leeds club to get things started here in Hull,' she says. 'I've been doing this kind of work for a couple of years, and it's paying my way through university. I just look at it as a job in the entertainment industry. My boyfriend isn't bothered by it, so why should I worry? And more importantly, why should you?' I feel even more stupid than I did ten minutes ago, because now I feel like a prude. 'Fuckin' Amen,' my mate says. 'Now would either one of you guys like a dance?' she asks. My mate from work and I are sat watching the stage. A blonde girl in a white PVC nurse's uniform swings around the pole. Say My Name by Destiny's Child is playing. We smoke cigars and sip bottles of Becks and whiskey chasers.

Continued on www.thisisUll.com...... Next Page (3/3),

Articles - Eat Your End of an Era By Joe Hakim

	So I agree to go and watch my mate play a set at the Welly club. I've stopped clubbing, but I go anyway, because he's my mate and I said I would. When I say clubbing, I mean the whole go out take drugs and dance thing. Read more...

Articles - Peoples of Olde England (the North/South divide) - a declaration of war By The King Rat

	Since the dawn of time before English folk focussed their anger on immigrants and the sharp decline of Only Fools and Horses, we whiled away the hours hating anyone and everyone. We hated our families, our neighbours, our fellow townspeople. We hated people on TV, successful people Read more...

Articles - Our Telephone Pole By Mo

	Poking my head out of the window I asked "Can I take some pictures for the website?". "No problem came the reply" from Alan the team leader looking up from the base of the pole. Another story lands in my lap I thought, as I unloaded the battery charger and slipped the first rechargeable into our 150 quid Minolta digital camera. Read more...

Articles - My New Boss By Joe Hakim

	My new boss is a Nazi pig-fucker from Hell. There, I've said it. Just writing it and then re-reading it is enough to make me feel immeasurably better about my work related predicament. My current job involves working with the general public, a vague term at best. Read more...

Articles - THE LUCKY BASTARDS CLUB (A Reporter`s Tale) By Denis Price

	`I`m a bit worried about this,` said Austin, the man from the `Daily Record`. I looked at him and then peered through the clubhouse window at our aircraft. `You`ll be alright`, I said reassuringly, `Its got the right number of wings and wheels, it`ll be a piece of cake`. I winced at the use of wartime RAF slang and Read more...

Articles - Happy Snaps Newland Avenue

	A new team has hit Newland Avenue. Neil and Denise, who are husband and wife, have been running Happy Snaps on the avenue since September last year. They offer a mini lab service, with on site processing for all your films. New to Newland Avenue is the hour service on your films, so you can shop until Read more...

Articles - Quit Your Job For A Healthier Mind and Body By Andy Dykes

	Before I begin, I would just like to take this opportunity to say that this isn't intended to be some anarchic rant about how we should all escape the rat race, subverting and thus bringing about the downfall of the evil that is the capitalist system under which we all live, but don't all prosper. Read more...

Articles - Selling an Engine By Joe Hakim

	So I'm at my mate's house. It's my night off, and he's just finished work, so I go there for something to do. Do something other than my girlfriend for a change. My mate and I sit and smoke a couple of joints and listen to really old-school rap like NWA and Public Enemy. We talk about the Read more...