Hull is Fab and Super by Suzie Horsington-cum-Scoff

Well I couldn't believe it when I heard that two nasty people had published a book about Hull being a crap town. Which is why I have decided to show my social conscience and write this article. Apparently it all started with someone called Finlay Cooks-Britain, who is a celebrity chef or something, slagging Hull off as being crap and smelly. Well Finlay, you may think you are clever because you have a double-barrelled surname. But I have a triple-barrelled surname. So go behind the Eton bike sheds and sniff that. I'd trample you to death on my favourite horse Daisyella, but she's a bit sicky-wicky at the moment.

Philip Larkin (out).

Anyway. I came up to Hull to investigate whether this was true and it certainly is not. I know people think that you folks up North are all smelly and thick but this is not true. Take for example, the brilliant local website 'thisisull.com', designed by two Hull people all by themselves! The only thing is though, I can't seem to pronounce it without the 'H'. It must be in my blood. Oh well, c'est la vie ( that's French, by the way ).

George's Bargain Centre.

Well, the first thing I learned about Hull was that a famous band from there had named themselves after a furniture shop on String Bank. I went to investigate, and there it was - George's Bargain Centre! What a fab name for a band! This is just the tip of the iceberg with Hull's great musical history. Someone from another famous band, I Eat Cannibals, is from Hull. Not to forget one of Hull's greatest bands, The Ugly North. I don't know why they call themselves that because I think it's quite beautiful up here! I think perhaps they're being ironic, but then I don't think they would understand that concept!

It's also a little known fact that Frankie Goes to Hollywood named their biggest hit Relax after a coffee shop on Newland Avenue. I know this is true because I have looked in there and there's lots of leather. Now. Other fascinating facts about this great city. Some people have even been inspired by Hull when naming their children. Take for example, the great comedian Rod Hull, sadly pecked to death by Emu in an argument over the TV remote. Or the famous poet from Hull, Philip Larkin, who's parents loved the city so much they named him after a local term for 'playing outside'.

Tammy Johnson.

Maureen Lipgloss.

I could go on and on about Hull and its successful people. Maureen Lipgloss, who I believe has her own chain of Jewish cosmetics. William Wilberforce, who owns all the museums in Hull. And not to forget Tammy Johnson, who was the first woman to fly an aeroplane over Hull whilst singing Stand By Your Man. What a talented lady. So, Finlay Cooks-Britain, here is the evidence. Hull really is fab. Fabber than you'll ever be. I have been to Hull. I have smelt the people. And they don't smell bad. (Well, most of them don't anyway ). So Finlay, I'm not interested in your views. Or your recipes. So go back to your kitchen and leave the people of Hull well alone.

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