A Woman in Chains

Artist - Karin Wilson www.karin.com

I am, I suppose, a woman in chains. In this extremely bizarre world we try to live in, I will always be linked to my past.... 15 years ago I was involved in a crime, something I did because I was young, unguided and naïve. I lost more than my freedom as if that wasn't enough; I lost my children, my home, my family and most of my friends.

I went to prison for drug offences and before I knew it, a year of my life was gone. It was hard in a woman's prison; full of deep thinking women, all fit to burst with emotion. Missing their kids, suspecting their husbands and blaming any one but themselves! Always having to watch your back from filthy low down chancers or from the lesbians, who always seemed to pick on the most vulnerable and promise always they can make it better!

I look back now and wonder how I got through it - but I did. When I got out I felt weak at first but when I realised that only I can make things right I began to feel stronger and stronger.

I wasn't an addict, you see, just a stupid fool who dabbled here and there and just allowed it all to go too far. I fought to get my kids back, our home and our life and I was proud to say I DID THAT and called it rehabilitation.

As the years went by, we moved away and lived a decent law-abiding life. One day, one of my children was experiencing difficulties in school with reading and I was asked if I would help him, both at school and at home.

Before I did I had to have a police check. When the report came, it looked so ugly on paper. I felt ashamed and embarrassed and of course they refused me access into school.

I didn't put up a fight. I was too shocked and I felt so dirty, with some other decent person knowing about my past. It was time to find a job for extra's you need in a house full of kids so off I went to find something that would fit in with the children's school times. Absolutely nothing, until a friend said there was a bar job at the local university. Once again I was treated like the leper and I could feel my self esteem gradually slipping into a void which I had not anticipated. I slipped away quietly with my chains rattling loudly - I wasn't the only one who could hear them now!

More years passed and it came to me that I'm good with small children and babies and that perhaps if I went to college I could train to be a midwife. I was sure I could be good at this very rewarding job.. This time I went to my local police station for advice and guidance. It took a lot of courage to walk in there and spill out my stinking past to this very small police woman only to be told to FORGET IT - blah, blah, blah ... You shouldn't have committed the crime in the first place.

The chains were getting tighter now and I couldn't slacken them even slightly, they were laying heavily on me now and I felt lost angry and confused .... It was time to move away again. This time to a rural village were no one knew me and I could disappear into the wilderness with my own deep thoughts and complete frustration. As time went by I found myself helping others around the villages (mostly elderly and disabled) and I really began to feel a sense of self-worth again.

I discovered that after all the years which had passed, my conviction was "spent". At last I thought the chains had finally been broken. In my heart I was still yearning for something else and then, in the Hull Daily Mail, I saw the job for me. I wrote for an application form, filled it out declaring my past and to my surprise I got an interview. You see, I was honest and strong throughout that interview and I knew I would be good at helping others who were dabbling with crime and at last I could put that terrible mistake I made to some use.

I could not believe my ears when they offered me the job. I was so happy, so free of all that ugliness. My life was about to begin again. I had to wait for my CRB to arrive and be checked and then I could start. In the meanwhile, I gave in my notice and said goodbye to all my elderly who were rather sad to lose me. I was sad too but my future was where I was bound.

Many weeks past and I was growing nervous. The day came when I received my copy of the ENHANCED CRB. It looked uglier than when I last saw it and my stomach dropped. I rang the office to enquire and was met with the same tone I'd heard so often before. They are back, those chains, but tighter than before and I don't know what to do. I feel cheap and dirty again. I feel doomed forever, I am screaming inside. I do not know where to go and I feel so low. My close friend said to me that I did my time in prison, I have served my punishment and only I should allow and give permission for others to decide how I should feel.

Let me tell the world this much: If there is anyone out there risking their freedom in any way then read this and think clearly before you go too far. It just isn't worth it. I have to learn how to carry these bloody chains in every direction in life - to the ground that they bury me in .... I AM A WOMAN IN CHAINS...

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