Unfinished Theories Part 1 By Andrea Longstaff

Part 2

Angus, my guitar hero but.......... I do think the Aussie guitarist Angus Young is getting a bit long in the tooth for the school boy uniform. I reckon Angus is a big Krankie's fan and he wears this uniform in tribute to the little munchkin, Jeanette Krankie. When AC/DC where belting out Highway to Hell, I truly believe that Angus was, in his mind, really meaning Fandabidozie.

I am in my thirties and I notice that the women in their sixties have this incredible ability to utter the phrases, Depression, I dunno what that is .. and; Stress, there was none of that in my day, we just got on with it, they don't know their born these days. Anyone in their thirties will remember Playschool well; that Floela Benjamin really does have a lot to answer to, completely messing up a generation single handily! I feel that children's programmes are really meant for adults with slight psychiatric disorders anyway.

Take The Sooty Show, for example. Sooty, he was just so serene, like a little fluffy guru. Sweep, well ... what a neurotic, hysterical character he was! And that Sue, well she was just a fussy cow! Buzz Lightyear has to be one of the best characters to have emerged in recent times.

The poor feller was just soooooooo delusional, he really did believe, in his heart of hearts that he was a laser-shooting spaceman. Woody, fortunately, had something of a grip on reality. He was like, Come on Buzz; get a grip, you're a fucking toy! The underlying theme to the much acclaimed Toy Story was really, To insanity .. and beyond.

As for the programmes for the grown-ups, well! Buffy The Vampire Slayer has completely fluffy bunnieurised the whole vampire folklore, which in actuality is really interesting. You want a real woman running about, covered in entrails, swilling pints of bitter and not all this I can't do a thing with me hair. Sarah Michelle Geller; no! We want Janice Battersby! Just killed a vampire with a barmcake through the heart am off home to do our Les's teeeeeeeeeea - realism at its best. Janice, bless her, could save the left over garlic for Betty's hotpot, as the infamous Mick Jagger once said; Kill two birds with one stone.

Utter shit like Buffy give such an unrealistic impression of vampirism. You want a traditional love story. Boy meets girl; girl gets exsanguineated by boy; and girl is now the living dead.

The true nature of the parking places in Tesco is in reality a fertility symbol for the little people. It has nothing whatsoever to do with motorists with children. Hasn't anyone ever noticed the striking resemblance to Piltdown Man, in miniature?

The little people where obviously disturbed going about their clandestine operations by someone, or something, whilst under cover of darkness, with their little pot of paint because the aforementioned fertility symbol was lacking the penis! So if you do happen to venture out for late night shopping, do not, I repeat, do not call the police complaining of exhibitionist pigmys.

Why are the prices in the shops that sell these beautiful African carvings so extortionate? I do realise a lot of time and effort must have gone into the process, what with the intricate details of these pieces, but come on! Are these women giving birth to triplets in mud huts whilst fending off wilder beast whilst whittling away? You'd need to mug an awful lot of elderly people, who in my opinion get far too much pension money anyway, just to purchase an ornament so tiny that Tom Thumb would have to stand on step ladders to reach it!

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