No Text Please, We're British By Andrea Longstaff

What with the advent of the mobile phone. It really is no good for spelling and it seems to be breeding new illnesses. Not to mention we're all gonna be a nation of illiterates with repetitive strain injury! There's sleeping text, this is very similar to sleep walking. You awake in the morning clasping your Nokia. Did I send' that' text or did I dream it? You wonder to yourself!

There's Texty Thumb, whereby a blister appears on the texting thumb! Painful - and as I have the unenviable reputation as been the fastest texter in the west I can state most categorically that it bloody well hurts! The pharmaceutical industry will no doubt be catching on to these new illnesses. There are even jobs advertised now; mobile carers required! I think that's taking things a little too far! Other companies could also latch on. Text and Vex - Anger Management courses!

We could have films for the under privileged; Texty cinema - In Textyscope, The Matext, Everything You Wanted To Know About Text But Was Afraid To Ask, The Textes Chainsaw Massacre!

There is a rare breed of people, who shall remain nameless, that seem to think of the mobile phone as just an appliance! Subversive thinking if ever I heard it! Mobile phones are undoubtedly a third arm. In the foreseeable future when our offspring are registered, along with the birth certificate, they will also be given a sim card. It's nice that you can buy new outfits for these phones though. Rubber suits for the slightly perverted. Denim suits for the manual workers.

You can even purchase sleeping bags for those chilly winter evenings! I'm surprised some bright spark hasn't come up with the idea of little wardrobes to keep these outfits just so. No I don't agree with text messaging killing the art of conversation at all .. hang on .. got to go, I'm getting a text!

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