Is there anything about Hull? By Alexander Porter

After three years away from the city of my birth I've ended up living here again. Whilst I was away I discovered just about everyone I knew of was proud or had something good to say about their home town. I couldn't. For eighteen years I hated Hull with a passion. But now I'm back, edumacated and slightly happier with life than when I left, it's about time I found something or things to be proud of in or about Hull. Considering the state now considers me a fully edumacated historian I've decided to start with my biggest interest, which coincidentally is history.

For most people the idea of Hull's history will be closely associated with the smell of sewage, it's most visible manifestation is of course the remains of the town walls, at the top of Whitefriargate, which still amaze me by still smelling of shit three years after I last saw them.

It is of course these walls which encircled the town during the reign of Charles I, which is where we come to a piece of common knowledge about Hull. Namely that it started the English Civil War(s), needless to say, the general populaces' historical consensus is invariably wrong, and this is no exception. Whilst John Hotham's open defiance of Charles may have been one of the opening moves of the war (more in the sense that Charles could not then retrieve armaments, rather than a public display of defiance) it was not what started it.

The roots of the English civil war(s) can be seen stretching back to the reign of James I, and only a simple minded fool could assume that such a vicious period in our history could be started by one incident. Not that Hull's subsequent activities in the war(s) are anything to be proud of either, changing allegiance several times Hull was more of an annoyance than a valuable ally. In fact somewhere in Hull, there is a house containing a revolving plaque, one side praising the royalists the other the parliamentarians. Amusing? Yes. Anything to be proud of? No.

Hull remains a non-entity in British history in the ensuing years, until the arrival of a man, whom as a kind-of-liberal, I should be proud of. As every wretched child in our wretched schools is taught, William Wilberforce stopped slavery. Three cheers for bill! I hear you cry, well maybe, but remember that Bill did not stop it single handily; he was merely the focus for the campaign against it, a role which he stepped into, the position created by those before him who put in the hard work.

The myth of Wilberforce in Hull, would have him on a par with Jesus in the solo miracles department, and whilst no one can knock the man for doing something, it must be remembered that he didn't have to work to hard, that he was in it for the glory and fame rather than any deep seated humanity. What's after Wilberforce? Nothing. What about our illustrious whaling fleets? you yell. Well, whilst personally I abhor whales and would like nothing better than to see them all crispy fried in napalm and served to obese Americans, I assume that even contemplating being proud of whaling would earn no end of ire and hatred from the more eco friendly people out there.

What about Amy Johnson? you then yell. To which the reply is, big fucking deal! Don't you people know it's sexist to applaud someone for being the first woman to do something? Besides, she gave the chauvinists more ammunition for the women can't navigate argument, when she failed to return from her last flight, a case in point they'd say. And anyway what does the ability to fly a plane from one place to another matter in the long run? Nothing at all. This of course leaves us with Hull's contribution to the Second World War. I can remember as a child being told how Hull was the sixth most bombed place in Britain, and the implication that this meant Hull was important or put a great deal into the war effort.

I'm not saying it didn't contribute, or that it's people were not brave or staunch during the conflict (as most of Britain was), but the reason it was bombed so much was that it was easy for the Nazi's to do so. Even in a black out, the bombers could locate Hull by its location, where the Hull meets the Humber, aim in that direction and you're bound to hit something. Not like some other cities, which in a black out would nearly disappear from sight.

Time for a breather or more precisely, a fag. I'm not actually trying very hard with this at all am I? As always, it's easier to rip the shit out of something than to be constructive and nice. But there is actually something in Hull's history that I'm feeling slightly proud of I guess, but as usual it's a got a typical sting in the tail. We have had one exceptionally important archaeological site, one that should have been preserved for us and our children.

During building work for the new law courts, several skeletons were discovered. Further excavation showed that they were situated in what had previously been a medieval monastery. When the skeletons were sent away for testing, something most interesting was discovered; lots of them had syphilis, and this was in a period before syphilis was believed to exist in Europe. So instead of coming from the Americas as had been previously thought, it was evidential that syphilis had existed for a lot longer, and quite possibly had originated here. Not only did this clear the Native Americans name, it also delightfully highlighted something else: That not only are the papists responsible for the devastation in the third world caused by AIDS and HIV, they are also the first known people to have had syphilis.

It looks like all the rumours and my suspicions are true, Hull has given us further evidence what a dirty bunch the Catholic church was, and still is; that their crusade to help STD's spread across the face of the earth isn't just a modern invention. I like this, and I am bloody proud of it, but it is only one thing, and you need more than one thing to be proud of in Hull, there's so much not to be. Join me next time (presuming there is one, that this is accepted, displayed and read, and even then if I'm not lynched by a crowd of monotheists) when I'll most probably think of something else to bang on about.

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